Deep Breaths

Sometimes it concerns me that love isn't always fun anymore. I've written a lot - more than I ought, probably - about The One. Lately, though, when we've talked, he's been mentioning a girl that I know looks very similar to his college girlfriend. I don't know if he has a type, precisely, but both girls are kinda quirky, slim, short brunettes. I may be a quirky, short brunette, but I couldn't tell you the last time I could really be considered "slim." I know they're not exclusive (I hate that he tells me about the girls he hooks up with), but she's serious about him -- who WOULDN'T be?? I am! -- and that worries me.

As a result, I've been kinda down about the whole situation. I'm completely terrified of falling in love again to begin with, and I feel more scared about this situation than I've felt in a long time because I've been in love with him for SO long - longer than I've loved anyone before.

So, I'll be seeing him in the next couple months and I've decided that I need to tell him that I have feelings for him. It scares me to death ("Live Boldly," my ass!) but maybe I need to grow up and be an adult and risk something for once. Even if he doesn't reciprocate - an inevitability of sorts - at least I'll never wonder "what if?" and die a million deaths when/if he someday marries someone that isn't me. (I'll only die a thousand deaths maybe.)

I want love to be fun, and light, and easy. I've been so SERIOUS about relationships for so long that I feel like I've forgotten how to loosen up and put myself out there in a way that conveys that while, yes I'll make a good wife someday, MORE IMPORTANTLY FOR NOW I'd make a really kickass girlfriend. I need someone to set me up, maybe - that'll take the terror out of meeting someone and could actually be a hell of a time.

Anyone want to fix me up? :)