Come To Me, Cover Me, Hold Me

Ah, I dare to blog about living carefree for a summer, free of the shackles of love and responsible behavior... and within 24 hours I am reminded why I love boundaries and rules and the steadiness of true love.

The One called, with his impeccable timing - he always seems to know when I'm drifting away - and spent the next hour unwittingly reminding me of why we are so close and why my feelings for him run so deep. It's incredible to (as his ringtone on my phone would remind) be in love with my best friend and be able to confide in and connect with someone so profoundly. Family issues, job frustrations, dating fails - we talk about everything, and I've told him things I've never told anyone. How amazing, right?

Even further: I was reading The Ex's blog (what? he's in my google reader!) this afternoon, and his post about his impending cross-country move... his little brother, with whom I was very close even after the breakup, mentioned a particular knick-knack that's been a staple in The Ex's room/apartment since before we were even together, and is so distinct and familiar. Back to reality with a WHOOSH. I'm not sad anymore about our relationship or how it ended, but it's little moments like those that remind me of how quickly I had to grow up, both mid-high school (when my family began to fall apart) and immediately pre-college-graduation (when my relationship fell apart).

It's a broken road, even as well adjusted as my friends keep telling me I am, but I am filled with awe and gratitude every morning for my friends, whom I cannot believe I deserve, and support and love me so fully. Everything I do is for y'all.

Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

So, the DRAMA from the last post seems to have died down. Said party I was antici-dreading turned out to be really fun after all; DM seemed normal and friendly and like nothing had ever happened. Of course, part of that was probably because I was doing my darndest to interact very infrequently with cute guy. But even after he and I wandered off for a smoke break (DO NOT FRET, by this I mean only that he smoked a tipsy-cig while I ... watched? and we talked, during which he told me a few of the reasons why he liked me) for 15 minutes or something, we were still joking around and hanging out. This is also probably because all parties concerned knew that her "primary boyfriend" or whatever was out of town that weekend so she had cute guy all to herself, and she (correctly/safely) assumed that I wasn't even going to TRY to get tail that night.


So! Now things seem very nice and normal again, and I saw them all again last night. She was feeling ill but very friendly still, even when he and I got into a particularly involved conversation about Futurama/food/etc. Then as I was leaving and hugged him goodbye, I could tell he was trying to get my attention again as I was saying goodbye to everyone else, but I had to leave (y'know, having a job and all, cramping styles, etc) and he didn't follow me out, so I got all the way to the subway platform when I noticed I had missed a call from him. Called him back and he asked me why I had left so early (uhhhhh 11pm?) and that he was going to invite me over.

Canary, the cat is here and it's dinnertime. Add to that the fact that The Sexter has begun sexting again after a 4-month-ish hiatus, and I am feeling rather smug about my boy situation. The One is always there at the back of my mind, but I feel like I'm on some sort of vacation from grown-up responsibilities this summer... between religion and love and other Important Things, I've shoved it all to the side somehow (to my chagrin, a bit) and am just doing what's easy and fun. Not a great long-term philosophy, but I've been responsible and disciplined my whole life and I'm a little bit over it right now.

Party down!

Tiger Mother

So, this isn't the drunk blog that I hinted at on Twitter yesterday; I'm actually at work and therefore not drunk. (Although that hasn't necessarily been a given in the past.) But I was too exhausted last night once I finally got home, so... here you are. I'm actually writing this while on hold with American Airlines, which has extraordinarily pleasant hold music. Like, I would illegally download it and listen to it all the time. But I digress. Some of my friends in NC have had a running joke for some time that my life is a series of Things That Only Happen To Me. This is by far the apex of said stories.

So, I recently (about 3 weeks ago now) met and started spending a lot of time with a group of really awesome people. A college friend moved here recently and had spoken with a couple of them about a sublet (it fell through) and they subsequently invited her to a birthday party. She asked me if I was doing anything that night, I wasn't, so off we went. They ended up being Super Cool and now I'm going out to Queens - about a 45-minute train ride away! - roughly 2 times a week for things like birthdays, trivia, etc. That first night, I hit it off with the birthday boy. Nothing major, but we had an awesome conversation and he's totally my type (floppy brown hair, thick-framed glasses, skinny). Saw him again at trivia night a few days later, and I could tell he was sparkin' on me too. Saw him again the next weekend at a housewarming party, and we ended up going back to his place. Standard girl meets boy story, right?

WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. To fill in a little background... there is a girl in the group who is sort of the elected "den mother," if you will (we'll just call her DM), and she has been dating her bf (DM's BF) for a couple years now. They live together.

To add a little clarification for the next few paragraphs, here's a calendar of recent events in Queens:

Friday May 26 - met everyone
Tuesday May 31 - trivia (mutual sparkage)
Wednesday June 1 - dinner with DM's BF
Friday June 3 - housewarming party, hooked up with cute guy
Wednesday June 8 - beer garden
Saturday June 11 - housewarming party, (everything goes wrong)
Tuesday June 14 - trivia, still oblivious
Wednesday June 15- shit hits the fan
Friday June 17 - today

Recap

So - finally a quiet moment, and I can update.
Life has been really crazy, as you may have been able to tell from the total lack of posts - all I ever seem to do these days is get to work, glue myself to the screen, drag my butt to either rehearsal or happy hour, then collapse in front of the tv for an hour or two before bed.

I'm stage-managing a play for one of my friends - it opens in two days, and it has been a wild ride. I haven't stage-managed since high school, and I always wanted to get back into it, but I was too busy in college. Not that I have time in NYC either, but apparently I like being a little overwhelmed and busy now that I don't have to go to classes and take exams. (Can we talk about how glad I am, even 3 years later, that school is over and done with??) It's a hilarious comedy, almost all of "my" actors are incredibly gorgeous and talented, and I really hope it goes smoothly.

If you're reading this, you probably also know that I went back to my college town this past weekend, for the first time since I left 10 months ago. It was completely phenomenal, getting to see everyone again - my friends make me feel like a rockstar. I finally hooked up with the guy from this entry, so that was nice. WE BEAT DOOK. I felt like an entirely different person on a different planet - just flying by the seat of my pants, not planning a thing, crashing on different couches almost every night, getting drunk for under $15... It was a total break from the breakneck speed I fly at every day in the City. Thank goodness.

No sunny day is without clouds - my (very expensive) flight home was delayed FOUR HOURS on the tarmac because of the weather, so I didn't get back to my apartment until 1am this morning... and while on the tarmac, I got a voicemail from The One that seems a bit ominous - his ex-whatever (not a girlfriend, but she'd be mad if she knew he said that) is moving to his town and he doesn't know where that leaves them... so I had a bit of a stressful night. Gotta have faith that it'll all work out.

In the meantime... I just keep swimming along - looking for a better job, looking for a better life... but I am so blessed.

Spackle, Shellack, and Glitter

I re-watched the Sex & The City movie for the hundredth time this weekend - saw it was playing on cable and decided it was time to dust it off and pop it in. I'd never actually cried at that movie before this most recent viewing, but when Big jilts her and she attacks him with her flowers... I totally shed a few tears.

Since then I've been thinking really hard about the meaning of family. One of my coworkers has a family that is similarly dysfunctional to mine (or, dysfunctional to my one-year-ago family, not the current state of my family, which is even more dysfunctional) and I'm often the sounding board/de facto therapist for her. So many people I knew growing up had really great families and best-friendy relationships with their moms and they just kind of seemed like Norman Rockwell paintings. Mine was way more Picasso than Rockwell, and at some point I was okay with that. I realize now that it was probably a defense mechanism, but I was glad that my family had some cracks and chips and stains, because it made life more interesting, less cookie-cutter.

Now, though, all I want is a calm, safe, semi-boring life. The guy (Holy Grail, or HG) from Sunday's post reminds me a lot of this guy E, who I had a thing for during my last few months before I moved: very sweet, very safe (the major difference being that HG drinks, and E doesn't - biiiiiiig difference, huh?). It sounds disparaging and lazy, doesn't it? Maybe I'm searching for stability because my life is so unstable right now, or maybe it runs deeper than that and I have more daddy issues than I think I do (great, just what every guy wants to hear!). When I moved up here, I triumphantly put E behind me and resolved never to be "boring" ever again and to live boldly and all that. This resolution did not under any circumstances take into account the turmoil I was going through with my family and job uncertainty.

Now, okay, I've taken some risks since moving here. I did hook up with Almost-Neck-Tattoo Guy, which was fun but now I'm not so sure how proud of myself I am for it. Mostly that's because deep down, I do want a relationship, not just a fling, and I don't want to do anything that would screw up my chances of finding that relationship. HG would be a great partner, I think, but now he's acting all weird around me, which is so annoying. Of course, I have no idea how to have the "so, we hooked up, now what?" conversation, so guess who's SOL?

In an attempt to wrap this up I'm going to circle back around to the beginning of the post and the idea of family. My family lets me down an awful lot, and I let myself down an awful lot, and apparently I am way more of a fuddy-duddy than I make myself out to be. I talk a big game, but I'd rather curl up and watch Real Housewives marathons most nights than go out drinking. But my friends are my life and my family, and I have basically jettisoned the Picasso and am building a Monet around myself: several tiny dots that all add up to a beautiful life.

"Mostly Alone"

Sometimes I'm afraid that I've spent too much time by myself these past few years. When I started my last job, I was going through the first major heartbreak of my life, and didn't have the emotional energy to see my friends.

By the time I lost that job due to the shitty economy, I had made a few close friends at work and was spending time with them more regularly, but my long days at work still made it hard to muster up the energy to go out for drinks after work. Most days, I would come home, make dinner, and watch TV.

When I finally did lose that job, I was emotionally ready for close relationships again, so I threw myself into the activities of the nearby church, which I had heretofore avoided for several reasons. But even that sort of tapered off after a while, and at any rate, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week of unemployment provides PLENTY of time to be alone even with "extra"curriculars (that aren't so "extra" when there's nothing for them to be "extra" from!).

So I still ate meals mostly alone, went to movies mostly alone, watched TV at home mostly alone... the list goes on. And after a while, after the terror and extreme discomfort subsided, I really started to - perversely - enjoy it. I relished the ability to finally do things by myself, after 8 years of codependence in high school (friends/family) and college (boyfriend/friends). I'm still a social creature and do prefer to be with people most of the time (although I will NEVER clothes-shop with someone ever again, I hate it I hate it I hate it)...but being alone is addictive.

So now I've become a little bit of a hermit. My move has forced me to change that somewhat, but I can always beg off with budget excuses or exhaustion or WHATEVER, and it's so tempting. I need to wrench myself out of this voluntary loneliness. Cheaply. ;)

I don't do drama, my tears don't fall fast

Well, it finally happened - the homesickness has officially hit.

I have NEVER in my life been homesick. It's just not something that I've ever felt, or even felt that I should feel. But I just texted a friend from The Lunch Club about something unrelated, then PS'ed that Friday lunch just wasn't the same without him/them and I missed him/them, and BOOM! Tears.

Also, I cried this morning at the season finale of Bones that taped yesterday, where (SPOILER ALERT) Bones and Booth had to say goodbye at the airport as they went on separate assignments for a YEAR (CANNOT TAKE IT, WHYYYY). (END SPOILERS)

I knew that I would miss him the most, but I don't cry like this, I just don't. And maybe the city is just too big right now, but I saw friends and made friends last night, and I get to see my best friend tomorrow, but it just HURTS because I wasn't 100% emotionally ready to leave in the first place, and now all I want to do is listen to sad songs and cry.



PS: The staffing agency I saw yesterday was SO much better than the first. I have a temp (only one week, but still) placement NEXT WEEK at a MAJOR publishing house, which is super exciting for foot-in-the-door potential.

Hoof-sore

Oooooh I am tired. I left my apartment at 9am, walked ALL the way to Central Park (about 40 street blocks and 7 avenue blocks... I don't want to think about how many miles that adds up to), spent two hours there, and subway'd it back. On my list of things to do this summer is lose some SERIOUS weight by virtue of taking the subway as little as possible and walking everywhere instead, but if I'm exhausted by 1pm this might not be a good strategy. Maybe it just takes getting used to.

Interview with Staffing Agency #2 is in a couple hours. I hope they can find me something, even though (unlike S.A.#1) they are only a temp/temp-to-hire agency. Even temping would be an improvement over unemployment, obviously. And I've heard really good things about this agency, whereas I felt a little brushed-off at the first place.

My best friend in the whooooooole wiiiiiiiiiide wooooooooorld is moving to Brooklyn today, which fills me with all kinds of squee. I've missed her a lot, and getting lunch/drinks tomorrow will be AMAZING. Also I'm getting drinks tonight with a friend from undergrad who just finished grad school up here. Busy couple of days ahead of me... Hopefully next week will be the week that I find the job of my dreams (or at least the one that will get me there). Screw you, Mercury-still-climbing-out-of-retrograde, I'm going to MAKE the universe work for me! ;)

Word vomit

So, the interview with the staffing agency went well - I'm "on call" for a possible for-real interview tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then supposedly Wednesday. In the meantime, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing... The real world kinda sucks. Aren't you supposed to just be handed a job? I feel like I'm doing things wrong, or rather that I WOULD do something wrong, if I put myself out there and just walked into an office somewhere and asked for a job. Blergh.

So far life is amazing, though. But it's supposed to rain tomorrow AND Wednesday, so we'll see how much I love New York when it's raining. After my interview today I stopped by St Patrick's Cathedral (only about 10 blocks from where I was interviewing, so I figured I may as well) and happened to get there about an hour before daily Mass, so I wandered around until that started. Lit a candle (St Jude, for my "lost cause" of not totally crashing and burning up here), that sort of thing. I love being able to just DO these things, it's completely amazing. I still feel like I'm on vacation. Part of me hopes that never changes.

And then I got to Skype with three of my best friends back home - we used to watch 24 together every week, and so we watched it together tonight too. Amazing. I really despise Skype and telephone calls and that sort of thing, but sometimes I guess you just have to grin and bear it. Another friend and I fiiiiiiinally were able to stop playing phone tag after about a week, so that was lovely. It's so great to hear from old friends. I don't feel lonely just yet, but I imagine that might kick in soon. Being in a big city is wonderful, but a bit alienating. I know I'm as alone as I choose to be, plus The Best Friend is getting here on Thursday (*FLAIL*), but seeing a familiar face or hearing a familiar voice has become more special and dear to me lately.

If you're reading this blog, it's probably because I know & trust & love you well enough to give you the URL, so you are one of those people aforementioned. Give me a call. Post a comment. I love you and miss you. <3