That You Should Exist In This World

"That you should exist in this world... that I have been able to know both suffering and joy at your hands - seems like an extravagant gift, one for which I am forever and unutterably grateful. I am not sad; I am not lonely. I have found myself capable of love that is unaffected and unassailable by circumstances and I am forever better for it. If there is anything coherent or sane to be taken from this it may be that whatever hurts I have felt are all passing, and cannot outweigh or contaminate the hugeness of my happiness... I have nothing left to fear; I have gone through the worst of it now and you were worth all of it."

The quote above is from a love letter that I found on The Hairpin several months back, and it makes me so upset that someone has stolen my feelings regarding the last 7 years and written them down so much more beautifully than I ever could.

I saw The One two weekends ago, as previously mentioned, and finally, FINALLY, felt the door closing on that part of my life. It wasn't precisely a resolution to get over him (if such a thing could ever be done) but it was clear to me that, in order to move on with my life and be with someone who wants to be with me, I had to do exactly that. Easier said than done, because as often as I felt in his absence that I was making progress, one weekend visit would send me right back to where I started. What was different, you ask? The week before he arrived, I decided that I would send "a sign to the universe," whatever the hell that means (even my hippie roommate rolled her eyes at me), that I was ready to meet someone and fall in love - by not sleeping with The One. This is a Big Deal because I have never EVER turned him down before, or even wanted to. As gears began to click into place in my head and I resolved to shift him into the "friend zone" as best I could, I found it actually happening. I was able to yell at him a little when he kept cancelling and rescheduling our plans, I was able to be open with him about the ridiculous things he does when it comes to women... basically, I was able to be 100% his FRIEND for the first time since October 30, 2005.

It feels like the end of an era, like the last time you shut the door of the apartment you're moving out of and you touch every wall and maybe fingertip-kiss the place where you had your first kiss with your crush or whatever. There is a finality to this chapter closing, I can't go back and read it again. And the chapter is closING - I don't think the last word has been written yet - but it is such a monumental step forward that I feel a lot of hope. I will always love him, because he has never broken my heart, but now it feels like a quiet, back-of-my-heart kind of love, the kind that means I am open to the next big love of my life. Which, in case I haven't told you, is the one I'd like to grow old with, whoever he is. I've been in love 3 times already, I'm ready for my fourth and final.

Can't Wait Until April

Been up all night
Staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind

I've been this way
With so many before
But this feels like the first time

You want the sunrise
To go back to bed
I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say I think
I should write down
I don't want to forget
Come daylight

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you

Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say i think
I should write down
I don't want to forget
Come daylight

And no need to worry
That's wastin' time
And no need to wonder
What's been on my mind
It's you
It's you

-Josh Radin & Schuyler Fisk, "Paperweight"

Moving On

Only a month has passed since my last post, and so much has happened! What a December. Happy New Year!

Things ended, mid-December between me and the guy I'd been seeing since October. It was mutual - we realized that our chemistry was friend-chemistry, not relationship-chemistry. Starting over sucks, but the glass-half-full outlook is that if someone could be SO perfect for me on paper, and the only thing lacking was chemistry, there's a guy out there who was absolutely tailor-made for me. And besides that, he and I are still friends, and it's only minimally awkward, which is awesome.

And of course, in case I hadn't had my daily dose of rejection that evening, I called The One to finally get an answer out of him. I had told him I loved him back in February, and then ignored the subject altogether to avoid the risk of hurting our friendship. But we're pretty much invincible now, closer than we ever have been, so I figured, now or never. And my hunch was correct -- I got the "I love you, but not in THAT way" line, although he did say that he had given it a lot of thought, which was actually comforting. But our friendship is exactly the same, without the giant elephant in the room.

Christmas was a comedy of errors. 2 days before I left for Michigan, our boss (who had originally decreed that we had to be back in the office on Mon 12/26, meaning I had to leave my family at noon on Christmas Day to fly back home) relented and gave us the day off. With such short notice, of course, the small airline that I was flying to and from MI was completely sold out on Monday AND Tuesday morning, so I was discussing options with my mother, when my father - who was staying in Charlotte near my mother (or with her? not sure) said he would pay for a whole new ticket. I started sobbing, crying ugly tears at work.

So, I made it to the family reunion, only to contract a 24-hour flu bug from one of my baby cousins, and then promptly turned around and gave it to 34 out of the 38 people at the reunion. Yay! Puking at Christmas! But the important thing is that I was there. Got back to NYC on Tuesday morning and hopped in a cab, luggage and all, straight to work, and proceeded to have the most ridiculous week of my life. Pre-New-Years-Eve: what a nightmare. Remind me to have a new job by the time holiday-time rolls around this year.

I'm exhausted, and really, REALLY ready for a better 2012. More coming soon(ish) about the awkwardness of seeing my father again...

Hard to Let Go

I was just thinking
That I have been missing you for way too long
There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead
But I was just thinking, merely thinking

I've got loads of pictures
I've got the one of you in that dancing dress
But man I feel silly in that dim light
Just after doing you by the sight of My Kodak delights
I am sinking, merely sinking

I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
I'm a singer without a song
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
But I, I was just thinking, merely thinking
But this boat is sinking

I'm tired of postcards, especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids
I'm tired of calling you, missing you, dreaming I've slept with you
Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you
Inside this weary head I just want us to love instead
But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking

I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
And time is running me still
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
But I, I was just thinking
I said that I, I was just thinking

That I'm tired of calling you once a week
And thinking of long distance rates instead of kissing you
Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking

Wide Awake

I can hardly believe I've been at my current job for more than 3 months now. Sometimes it feels like so long ago, and sometimes it feels like I just started two weeks ago... but one thing I have to be grateful for, among my (relatively short) list of complaints is that I don't get the feeling that anyone despises me or is compiling a list of incidents to report to try to get me fired. Sometimes I worry that I have Job PTSD from my days at CND, especially because it was right around the 3-month mark in Phase 2 at CND - after they moved me from Marketing to Sales - that I realized that my manager hated me and was trying to get me fired. And sort of did. (Although whether I was fired, asked to leave, quit... still up in the air. one of life's great mysteries.)

I still don't feel like I'm home-free, but the longer I'm here, the more money it would cost to fire me and train someone new, and for a business that's as nickel-and-dime as this one is, that's security enough. My 3-month review never really happened, but I'm pretty sure that's largely due to the fact that I have meetings with the higher-ups every two weeks anyway, plus my manager's about to go on maternity leave, so she has other things on her mind.

I haven't been in the events industry, especially not in New York, long enough to know if the sales part of this job is normal -- I feel like marketing is one thing, and sales completely another (having worked in both I consider myself a bit of an expert, obviously) and I signed up for neither of those things, although I'm better with the former than the latter. I love the restaurant industry, but I don't think events + restaurants is the best fit for me. My ultimate goal is to do event planning in the hotel industry anyway... just gotta keep a level head, hope for the best, stick it out at least a year, then find the next step up.

Everything else in my life is amazing, though. AB makes me feel so safe, which I suppose gives my Id pause because it thinks safe = boring... but after everything I've gone through in the last 3.5 years (I've now been more or less single for longer than I was with The Ex... crazy) it feels so good to know I can trust and rely on someone. I'm still hesitant to put a label on it, or even bring up putting a label on it, even though I haven't been seeing anyone else and I'm about 98% sure he hasn't either. Part of me is still hanging onto The One despite finally accepting the fact that he doesn't love me the way I need him to. I know I'll always love him, and so much of me wants to hang on until the next time he comes into town so I can sleep with him one last time... but for the first time in a long time I feel like I've found a genuinely good, respectful man, the likes of which I didn't think existed (especially in this city).

Now watch, he'll have a tiny dick.

These are the things that keep me up at night.

Come To Me, Cover Me, Hold Me

Ah, I dare to blog about living carefree for a summer, free of the shackles of love and responsible behavior... and within 24 hours I am reminded why I love boundaries and rules and the steadiness of true love.

The One called, with his impeccable timing - he always seems to know when I'm drifting away - and spent the next hour unwittingly reminding me of why we are so close and why my feelings for him run so deep. It's incredible to (as his ringtone on my phone would remind) be in love with my best friend and be able to confide in and connect with someone so profoundly. Family issues, job frustrations, dating fails - we talk about everything, and I've told him things I've never told anyone. How amazing, right?

Even further: I was reading The Ex's blog (what? he's in my google reader!) this afternoon, and his post about his impending cross-country move... his little brother, with whom I was very close even after the breakup, mentioned a particular knick-knack that's been a staple in The Ex's room/apartment since before we were even together, and is so distinct and familiar. Back to reality with a WHOOSH. I'm not sad anymore about our relationship or how it ended, but it's little moments like those that remind me of how quickly I had to grow up, both mid-high school (when my family began to fall apart) and immediately pre-college-graduation (when my relationship fell apart).

It's a broken road, even as well adjusted as my friends keep telling me I am, but I am filled with awe and gratitude every morning for my friends, whom I cannot believe I deserve, and support and love me so fully. Everything I do is for y'all.

Space They Cannot Touch

How's my luck
But somehow I'm with you
Let's leave now
Let's leave them,
their point of view
My favourite place is me and you

I wake up in the darkest night
Watch you breathe in shadow light
A perfect world lies next to me
And I don't need to sleep to dream

I just hope I am good enough to keep you

Morning sun warms our skin
And distant sounds
The day begins
Soon their world will come calling for us
But this is the space they cannot touch

I just hope I am good enough to keep you


--kate miller-heidke

It's yummy in the tummy/Chop chop charoset

So, as it's been two weeks since my last update, you may have surmised that I have been too busy doing fabulous things every night to be arsed with blog posts. You are partially right. I have been busy about 9 of the past 14 nights, and crazed at work 11 out of 14. (And that number is not 14 out of 14 because I deliberately took 3 days off to attempt to restore sanity and see my friends.) So, work is super boring now because I only have 2 weeks left, my duties have been 80% transferred onto my replacements, and my "special projects" role as given to me 2 weeks ago by my manager is currently on hiatus because said manager is on vacation. I have been at work for 3 hours so far and have done approximately one job-related thing. Well, 3, except that 2 of those 3 are not related to the job I have NOW but the marketing job that I "left" in January but am still secretly doing because no one else is doing it. Perhaps I'm mentally ill?

Anyway. So, last weekend was seriously amazing. The One was visiting again (twice in two months?? what is this, the twilight zone??) and while there were no declarations of love from either of us this time around, we spent a lot of quality time with - excuse me but I'm going to say this because it makes me extraordinarily happy - OUR friends and his family. I even got the coveted Pesach dinner invite and trekked out to Long Island on Tuesday night to stuff myself entirely TOO full of brisket/potatoes/haroset/celery dipped in salt water (whch oddly enough is my new favorite thing). I didn't get the chance to bring up the whole "I told you I loved you and now I'm sort of wondering if you might someday have feelings for me too? I just want to know because if not I'd like to start figuring out how to attempt to let go" thing because there just wasn't enough TIME (there never is) but I'm calling him at some point this week between work and rehearsals and. And yes of course I'm a little nervous, but at this point we're so close, and such good friends that I know it will be FINE. And even if what we have now is all I'm going to get (dashboard confessional reference! pass go, collect $200)... I'm happy.

Spring is finally here, also, and of course saying that now means that the groundhog is going to summon another blizzard or something, but it was 70 degrees yesterday, albeit drizzly, and the trees are finally in bloom. My one-year anniversary with the city is coming up SO fast (May 15!!!!????!!!!) and I'm getting a 25th-birthday/anniversary/etc tattoo in commemoration. It'll be a fleur-de-lis on the back of my neck, but as far as a specific design I'm not sure yet - note to self: set up an appointment at a hepatitis-free tattoo parlor, thanks.

But how are y'all? When I'm not either job or at rehearsal I am usually passed out on my couch in front of NCIS reruns, and am a bit less social than I was this winter. For this I apologize profusely, and let's get drinks soon? Or call me soon, if option A is geographically impossible? <3

The Light - Sara Bareilles

In the morning it comes

Heaven sent a hurricane

Not a trace of the sun

But I don't even run from rain

Beating out of my chest

My heart is holding on to you

From the moment I knew

From the moment I knew

You were the air in my breath

Filling up my love soaked lungs

Such a beautiful mess

Intertwined and overrun

Nothing better than this

Ooh, and then the storm can come

You feel just like the sun

Just like the sun

And if you say, "It'll be alright"

I'm gonna trust you, babe

I'm gonna look in your eyes

And if you say, "It'll be alright"

I'll follow you into the light

Never mind what I knew

Nothing seems to matter now

Ooh, who I was without you

I can do without

No one knows where ends

How it may come tumbling down

But I'm here with you now

I'm with you now

And if you say, "It'll be alright"

I'm gonna trust you, babe

I'm gonna look in your eyes

And if you say, "It'll be alright"

I'll follow you into the light

Let the world come rush in

Come down hard, come crushing

All I need is right here beside me

And all the love I'm swearing

Take my love and wear it

Over your shoulders

And if you say, "It'll be alright"

I'm gonna trust you, babe

I'm gonna look in your eyes

And if you say, "It'll be alright"

I'll follow you into the light

Collision

So! Work is finally boring enough that I feel somewhat comfortable blogging here again. Now to recap the last 2 months of my life. Blehhhh.

On the top of the list is the fact that I never posted about The One's visit, other than some lame drabble about how I was hopeful about things in general. Now, a lady doesn't kiss and tell, and neither do I (ha), but suffice to say that it was 18 hours of joy that I haven't felt in a long time. I was on Cloud 9, or 10, or some exclusive cloud that you hipsters haven't even heard of, and still am every time he calls or texts. The Ring is back on my left hand, I'm not even interested in anyone else... I know I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and risking a LOT of heartbreak, but I've never felt this way about ANYONE and I refuse to be scared.
The voicemail I got a few weeks later is still haunting me a bit - we talked a few days after I posted that entry and he said all the things I was going to say to him about why they're ultimately incompatible and he hasn't been happy in a long time - but she visited him this weekend as her last-ditch attempt to get him back... I'm waiting on his call to reassure me that it's definitely over. So, maybe a little vomit-y.

Lent has begun, and I gave up music on my commute (read: no earbuds) in an attempt to pray more, and more regularly. It's sort of working, but 3-ish weeks in I'm starting to run out of things to say to the Big Guy. So starting today I'm going to ATTEMPT to stop cursing. Basically I'm taking my laundry list of things I regularly go to Confession for (cursing, never praying, etc) and trying not to do them ... seems reasonable, right? We'll see.

After a long, busy winter (which apparently is not over yet, stupid March doesn't realize that it's supposed to be spring now) I am finally taking some time to myself to stay at home and cook my own meals and watch TV shows on the night they air. The One told me before I moved here that "your apartment is just a place to hang your hat," but sometimes I need to spend a few consecutive evenings with my hats. Which means possibly, maybe? more blogging to come in the near future! I really will try. I don't give myself NEARLY enough time for introspection and at least having a few people bugging me about updates motivates me a little bit. Keep it up, nags! ;)

Ok, let's see if I can sneak out of work early...

Recap

So - finally a quiet moment, and I can update.
Life has been really crazy, as you may have been able to tell from the total lack of posts - all I ever seem to do these days is get to work, glue myself to the screen, drag my butt to either rehearsal or happy hour, then collapse in front of the tv for an hour or two before bed.

I'm stage-managing a play for one of my friends - it opens in two days, and it has been a wild ride. I haven't stage-managed since high school, and I always wanted to get back into it, but I was too busy in college. Not that I have time in NYC either, but apparently I like being a little overwhelmed and busy now that I don't have to go to classes and take exams. (Can we talk about how glad I am, even 3 years later, that school is over and done with??) It's a hilarious comedy, almost all of "my" actors are incredibly gorgeous and talented, and I really hope it goes smoothly.

If you're reading this, you probably also know that I went back to my college town this past weekend, for the first time since I left 10 months ago. It was completely phenomenal, getting to see everyone again - my friends make me feel like a rockstar. I finally hooked up with the guy from this entry, so that was nice. WE BEAT DOOK. I felt like an entirely different person on a different planet - just flying by the seat of my pants, not planning a thing, crashing on different couches almost every night, getting drunk for under $15... It was a total break from the breakneck speed I fly at every day in the City. Thank goodness.

No sunny day is without clouds - my (very expensive) flight home was delayed FOUR HOURS on the tarmac because of the weather, so I didn't get back to my apartment until 1am this morning... and while on the tarmac, I got a voicemail from The One that seems a bit ominous - his ex-whatever (not a girlfriend, but she'd be mad if she knew he said that) is moving to his town and he doesn't know where that leaves them... so I had a bit of a stressful night. Gotta have faith that it'll all work out.

In the meantime... I just keep swimming along - looking for a better job, looking for a better life... but I am so blessed.

duet

Do you remember the day that you met me?
I swear it was yesterday, I knew with a glance
That you were the question, and you were the answer
That the world would make sense again if I held your hand
Someday you'll look back, and I hope you'll remember
The moment of truth when I knew who I was
How did I learn the truth you gave to me?

I will always remember that first stolen moment
There you were kissing me, and time seemed to freeze
Now I stand at a crossroad and stare at a question
If prayer were the answer I'd fall on my knees
But forward is calling and I cannot stay here
A parting of souls as I try to move on
How do I forget the dream you shared with me?

I've never been this bare / I've never been so scared
I've never felt such honesty / Don't stop we'll never go away
A moment of such peace / Each of us standing bare
Knowing what you mean to me / Knowing who we have to be
Know as you hold my hand / I hope and pray
We're forever you and I / That you'll understand

I know you're here in my heart

Please understand that I tried

Try to see it's not goodbye
The act is beginning, the audience waits

No, stay in this moment, where secrets reveal
Here in a world where there's safety in falsehood
I have discovered the one thing that's real
That I love you and I loved you from the start
And if you hold that close to you, we'll never be apart
Please know I loved you...

From the start

shining

I just saw the love of my life off to the airport... but with hope and tentative promises of a future I can be happy about.

More details to come soon (tomorrow or Tuesday)

Up, Down, Left, Right

So I've been totally lazy about updating, because I've been burning the candle at both ends, and also on the sides. Since taking my new position at The Company, my hours have been extended from 10-6 to 9-6 (that would be bare minimum, folks, assuming that something desperately urgent and moderately complicated doesn't land on my desk at 5:55pm like it did on Thursday)... and there must be something in the air, because everyone seems to want to go out and be social after work. I'm completely exhausted at all times. Better than being bored, I guess?

I've recently volunteered to stage-manage a friend's show. I haven't stage-managed since high school and I'm kind of nervous that I'm going to fuck it up, but it's a great hobby/activity to fill my weekends and evenings now that my second job is on brief hiatus. I know I have potential to be a total workaholic, but I feel positively guilty for spending more than one evening in a row on the couch.

Another... ahem... development: the boy situation. The One will be visiting in the very near future, and I'm hoping that "can I crash on your couch?" turns into the same situation that it turned into last time. I'm telling him how I feel this time, mostly because I recently came to the conclusion that there's no chance of my ever getting over him unless he outright rejects me, and he will always be so special in my heart that there's a really great chance that I could fall in love, get married... and then cheat on my poor unsuspecting husband with and because of him. Terrible, right? So I have to tell him. Gulp.

I also have two - well, one kinda - boy situation(s) in the wings. One is the boy I posted about a couple weeks ago... and the other... We text/IM/talk every single day, but I've heard from mutual friends that he lives with his girlfriend. I find it hard to believe that anyone living with their significant other would be able to get away with texting someone first thing in the morning, and into the wee hours of the morning, but what do I know? Plus, he and the first guy are friends, so hooking up with Boy#2 would probably ruin my chances with Boy#1 (but not vice-versa). As much as I like to pontificate about how much I hate drama, blah blah blah, it's been a long time since I've had boy problems, and I have to admit that it makes me a little bit happy.

I will attempt to update more often now that the dust is beginning to settle a bit. Here's hoping, anyway.

In honor of next weekend

One foot on the bus 

Bout half past nine 

I knew that you were leaving this time 

I thought about laying down in its path 

Thinking that you might get off for that 

I remember that night we laid in bed 

Naming all our kids that we hadn't had yet 

One for your grandma and one for mine 

Said we'd draw straws when it came time 

I'll move on baby just like you 

When the desert floods and the grass turns blue 

When a sailing ship don't need her moon 

It'll break my heart but I'll get through 

Someday when I stop loving you 

I bet all I had on a thing called love 

Guess in the end it wasn't enough 

And it's hard to watch you leave right now 

I'm gonna have to let you go somehow 

Somehow 

I'll move on baby just like you 

When the desert floods and the grass turns blue 

When a sailing ship don't need her moon 

It'll break my heart but I'll get through 

Someday when I stop loving you

-Someday When I Stop Loving You

Carrie Underwood

Coming Up for Air

Whew, y'all, I am exhausted. Between re-orienting myself to normal work hours after the Florida trip, and training for my new job, and catching up with old friends and making new ones at the new job... I barely have time to collapse in front of my TV these days, let alone try to funnel what little creative energy I have left at the end of the day into this blog. But life is very fulfilling (albeit frustrating) these days, so here's what I've been up to.

--New job! I'm still at the big-deal publisher I've been at since late August, but they're collapsing our department and shifting me from digital marketing into digital ad sales. Not at all where I want to be, but it's a job, my employer looks GREAT on a resume, and the people are phenomenal. The bad news? ENDLESS. TRAINING. I am just dead from all the meetings I've been in for the past 2 weeks, most of which are completely repeated and redundant, and there's no end in sight. There are too many of us newbies to train us on computers, seminar-style, so we're learning it all in theory first, then moving onto computers as desks become available. The communication at my company SUCKS big-time, so no one has ANY idea when we're moving, but it's happening slowly. Looks like I'm going to be the last one to move in. Which sucks, because........

--........As you may have noticed from my last post, I have a humongo crush on a guy in my new building. Funny enough, I actually met him at the office holiday party, but (as you may remember) I went home with another guy (Mr HG himself). HG turned out to be a total dud - I put myself out there with him, and I guess ultimately he wasn't interested enough, or was too scared, or who knows, because he never pulled the trigger. His loss. I can totally find someone hotter and more age-appropriate (I mean let's just be honest - 41??). So this new guy, who I will call MPGE for reasons I will not disclose at this time, fits every item on my checklist. Hot, Catholic, thin with a great body, can cook, gentleman... I could go on. Let me tell you, it has been a LONG time since I felt those butterflies in my stomach that I feel around him. I could actually fall in love with this one. I'm going to have to move slowly and carefully, but I really, REALLY want this to move forward. So I'm stamping this one PENDING.

--News on The One: I have (unofficially, pending his mom's approval) been invited as his plus-one to a family party in a month. I haven't seen him in two years. I'm going to tell him how I feel. Why yes, I am on a crash diet, however did you guess?

My calendar has been nuts lately. Picking up extra shifts at my second job, fighting off a wicked cough, happy hours every which way... now I really know what it means to burn the candle at both ends. But good god am I happy, and that's what really matters.

Spackle, Shellack, and Glitter

I re-watched the Sex & The City movie for the hundredth time this weekend - saw it was playing on cable and decided it was time to dust it off and pop it in. I'd never actually cried at that movie before this most recent viewing, but when Big jilts her and she attacks him with her flowers... I totally shed a few tears.

Since then I've been thinking really hard about the meaning of family. One of my coworkers has a family that is similarly dysfunctional to mine (or, dysfunctional to my one-year-ago family, not the current state of my family, which is even more dysfunctional) and I'm often the sounding board/de facto therapist for her. So many people I knew growing up had really great families and best-friendy relationships with their moms and they just kind of seemed like Norman Rockwell paintings. Mine was way more Picasso than Rockwell, and at some point I was okay with that. I realize now that it was probably a defense mechanism, but I was glad that my family had some cracks and chips and stains, because it made life more interesting, less cookie-cutter.

Now, though, all I want is a calm, safe, semi-boring life. The guy (Holy Grail, or HG) from Sunday's post reminds me a lot of this guy E, who I had a thing for during my last few months before I moved: very sweet, very safe (the major difference being that HG drinks, and E doesn't - biiiiiiig difference, huh?). It sounds disparaging and lazy, doesn't it? Maybe I'm searching for stability because my life is so unstable right now, or maybe it runs deeper than that and I have more daddy issues than I think I do (great, just what every guy wants to hear!). When I moved up here, I triumphantly put E behind me and resolved never to be "boring" ever again and to live boldly and all that. This resolution did not under any circumstances take into account the turmoil I was going through with my family and job uncertainty.

Now, okay, I've taken some risks since moving here. I did hook up with Almost-Neck-Tattoo Guy, which was fun but now I'm not so sure how proud of myself I am for it. Mostly that's because deep down, I do want a relationship, not just a fling, and I don't want to do anything that would screw up my chances of finding that relationship. HG would be a great partner, I think, but now he's acting all weird around me, which is so annoying. Of course, I have no idea how to have the "so, we hooked up, now what?" conversation, so guess who's SOL?

In an attempt to wrap this up I'm going to circle back around to the beginning of the post and the idea of family. My family lets me down an awful lot, and I let myself down an awful lot, and apparently I am way more of a fuddy-duddy than I make myself out to be. I talk a big game, but I'd rather curl up and watch Real Housewives marathons most nights than go out drinking. But my friends are my life and my family, and I have basically jettisoned the Picasso and am building a Monet around myself: several tiny dots that all add up to a beautiful life.

Deep Breaths

Sometimes it concerns me that love isn't always fun anymore. I've written a lot - more than I ought, probably - about The One. Lately, though, when we've talked, he's been mentioning a girl that I know looks very similar to his college girlfriend. I don't know if he has a type, precisely, but both girls are kinda quirky, slim, short brunettes. I may be a quirky, short brunette, but I couldn't tell you the last time I could really be considered "slim." I know they're not exclusive (I hate that he tells me about the girls he hooks up with), but she's serious about him -- who WOULDN'T be?? I am! -- and that worries me.

As a result, I've been kinda down about the whole situation. I'm completely terrified of falling in love again to begin with, and I feel more scared about this situation than I've felt in a long time because I've been in love with him for SO long - longer than I've loved anyone before.

So, I'll be seeing him in the next couple months and I've decided that I need to tell him that I have feelings for him. It scares me to death ("Live Boldly," my ass!) but maybe I need to grow up and be an adult and risk something for once. Even if he doesn't reciprocate - an inevitability of sorts - at least I'll never wonder "what if?" and die a million deaths when/if he someday marries someone that isn't me. (I'll only die a thousand deaths maybe.)

I want love to be fun, and light, and easy. I've been so SERIOUS about relationships for so long that I feel like I've forgotten how to loosen up and put myself out there in a way that conveys that while, yes I'll make a good wife someday, MORE IMPORTANTLY FOR NOW I'd make a really kickass girlfriend. I need someone to set me up, maybe - that'll take the terror out of meeting someone and could actually be a hell of a time.

Anyone want to fix me up? :)

An Odd Idea (or Two)

Public transportation gives me an awful lot of time to think in the mornings. I have recently begun to muse on what my Ideal Guy's wardrobe would look like. It's not like I have a ton of room to be picky, but I wouldn't want to date a Suit, and a polo/khakis kind of guy doesn't do it for me either. Which left me in a bit of a void (all the hot guys in the other categories are gay, apparently) until I was face-to-ass ....boy, do I just loooooove those subway stairs.... with a super hot guy in slim dark-wash jeans, a button-down, and a blazer. And quirky socks. Boy do I love quirky socks. So yes. There's my Ideal Guy Wardrobe.

Also, I decided during work today that the next time I see/sleep with The One, I'm telling him that I really do have feelings for him. I mean, I've slept with him, so he's gotta know I'm interested... but he has no clue that I'm totally in love with him. I'm obviously not going to tell him that in so many words, but I really do think that I'd rather him know I have feelings for him than wonder what he might have said if I did tell him.

In other words, I'm going to be a grown-ass woman.

Listening to lyrics for the first time

And I don't understand why you're not here with me
And I don't even wanna know where else you'd be

Cause I have photographs and memories of the times
When you weren't on my mind and I was alone
And I have poetry and drawings of my life
When you weren't on my side and I didn't know
Just what is love

Writing moments on the wall with different colors
Keeps my mind away from missing you
And I can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
Where we can dance upon a star
And I will be as patient as a [girl] in love could ever be
Cause I don't feel like I was real until you were a part of me