That You Should Exist In This World

"That you should exist in this world... that I have been able to know both suffering and joy at your hands - seems like an extravagant gift, one for which I am forever and unutterably grateful. I am not sad; I am not lonely. I have found myself capable of love that is unaffected and unassailable by circumstances and I am forever better for it. If there is anything coherent or sane to be taken from this it may be that whatever hurts I have felt are all passing, and cannot outweigh or contaminate the hugeness of my happiness... I have nothing left to fear; I have gone through the worst of it now and you were worth all of it."

The quote above is from a love letter that I found on The Hairpin several months back, and it makes me so upset that someone has stolen my feelings regarding the last 7 years and written them down so much more beautifully than I ever could.

I saw The One two weekends ago, as previously mentioned, and finally, FINALLY, felt the door closing on that part of my life. It wasn't precisely a resolution to get over him (if such a thing could ever be done) but it was clear to me that, in order to move on with my life and be with someone who wants to be with me, I had to do exactly that. Easier said than done, because as often as I felt in his absence that I was making progress, one weekend visit would send me right back to where I started. What was different, you ask? The week before he arrived, I decided that I would send "a sign to the universe," whatever the hell that means (even my hippie roommate rolled her eyes at me), that I was ready to meet someone and fall in love - by not sleeping with The One. This is a Big Deal because I have never EVER turned him down before, or even wanted to. As gears began to click into place in my head and I resolved to shift him into the "friend zone" as best I could, I found it actually happening. I was able to yell at him a little when he kept cancelling and rescheduling our plans, I was able to be open with him about the ridiculous things he does when it comes to women... basically, I was able to be 100% his FRIEND for the first time since October 30, 2005.

It feels like the end of an era, like the last time you shut the door of the apartment you're moving out of and you touch every wall and maybe fingertip-kiss the place where you had your first kiss with your crush or whatever. There is a finality to this chapter closing, I can't go back and read it again. And the chapter is closING - I don't think the last word has been written yet - but it is such a monumental step forward that I feel a lot of hope. I will always love him, because he has never broken my heart, but now it feels like a quiet, back-of-my-heart kind of love, the kind that means I am open to the next big love of my life. Which, in case I haven't told you, is the one I'd like to grow old with, whoever he is. I've been in love 3 times already, I'm ready for my fourth and final.