This Path Ever Winding

I know it's been a long time since I posted, but really nothing's been happening. As in, NOTHING nothing. I haven't worked steadily in about 3 weeks now, have been temping sporadically here and there, and have subsequently come down with a terrific case of insomnia (but only on the nights before I do have a gig). Basically, I'm pretty miserable. It wasn't supposed to be this hard to find a job, but it looks like I'm in a place where I'm going to have to start waiting tables, which I really did want to avoid until I found a full-time job - at least that way I would have had a set schedule to give the restaurant. So it looks like I'll be going out on Tuesday (after my mom, who is visiting this weekend) and foraying back into the world of food service. I don't mind so much, I'd rather wait tables than leave New York, but... meh.

The only other development besides my unhealthy Netflix addiction is a realization I had today (hence the blog post): I'm really great at relationships, really bad at getting into them. Maybe this isn't so much of a new revelation, I suppose I've known this for a while, but being here really highlights that. When I get into MOODS, I like to fantasize about The Ex coming up to me and telling me what a huge mistake he made, how he's so sorry, etc... and I would tell him that he lost the best thing that was ever going to happen to him, and flounce away dramatically looking skinny and hair-swingy. I make a great girlfriend: I love to cook, I'm totally organized, and I might even do your laundry from time to time... but I can't really tell guys that on the first date. It's not a pitch meeting, it's a date. And on dates, I get all nervous and laugh awkwardly or word-vomit or something, and it doesn't go past a date or two. Of course, I haven't met anyone here that I'd want to date more than once or twice (obvious exception being the Office Crush from my two-month gig)... but it's the principle of the thing.

I got to a weird place a month or so ago, when I scribbled down in my Moleskine the following tidbit:

"I'm not ready for a relationship because no guy deserves to hear me say 'You're great, but you're not HIM' and nothing seems to indicate that that statement will change any time soon."

"HIM," of course, being The One (That Got Away?). My life is kind of on hold for this guy, without my even wanting it to be, and even knowing that there's no WAY that he feels the same way about me. But I've never felt this intensely for this long about one person... I met him, what, 6 years ago?, and it's like the world got bumped one degree off its axis. Everything changed, and it's never going back to the way it used to be. I don't like to admit it, but I'm a total romantic, and this unrequited love is straight Jane Austen bullshit, and I'm a little sick of it, but i'm going to doodle "Mr & Mrs The One and their lovely children [yes I have names picked out]" in my Moleskine until my fingers fall off.