Snowed in = feeling lazy

I blame Obama, personally.

My mother makes me so angry sometimes that I can't breathe. We just got off the phone from a very tumultous conversation... she asks for a couple minutes occasionally during the week (in addition to our mandatory 1-hour Sunday evening talk), but this week all she wanted to talk about was Obama and "gays in the military." This was, of course, triggered by the State of the Union this week, which she should know better than to watch because it always turns her into Mr Hyde. Not that she's ever Dr Jekyll...

I think she would've been happier if she were born in 1780, when African-Americans were slaves and gays "didn't exist" and certainly weren't allowed to publicly FEEL THINGS FOR PEOPLE.

I was watching Celebrity Rehab when she called, and I realized something about myself... maybe part of the reason that I've never used anything worse than alcohol (which by the way, maybe I need to rein that in a bit too) is because my mother is my trigger and I would be a full-blown addict.

(No, seriously, it's been an hour since I hung up on her and I'm still mad. I don't even know what to do right now.)

Don't feel like blogging...

...so have this lovely .gif instead!

Why I Don't Trust Nuns

I spent the better part of Saturday at a choir retreat with my church. I figured going in that it would be a relaxing sort of thing spent talking about music and getting to know everyone a little better. (My first mistake: assuming something at my church would happen the way I wanted it to.) I'm usually the type that can find the silver lining in everything, but when I walked in and the first thing I realized was that the retreat facilitator was a 60-something nun, my brain just sort of stalled out. She was, as many nuns her age are, a crazy hippie liberal, so most of the retreat was New-Agey bullshit. WHOOPEE.

I've always been a little skeptical of nuns, which I thought was due to the predictable New Age stuff. But upon reflecting on it (said reflecting happened during the retreat when we were supposed to be meditating on the femininity and masculinity of God... or maybe it was while we were "blessing" the "holy water" with our retreat experiences... retch...), I discovered that that wasn't all of it. Many women-religious set themselves up as authorities on matters religious, but they've never been to seminary. I have little patience for people who pretend they know what they're talking about, and that patience whittles down to absolute zero when people pretend they know what they're talking about in the religious sphere. If I wanted to spend my time talking about my PERSONAL FEELINGS about a particular passage of Scripture, you had better believe I would, but I would do it with people who I felt had an understanding on par with or better than mine.

I'm not counting ALL nuns in this negative context, of course; I just look at nuns more skeptically and critically than I do priests (which is saying something). The priest at my favorite parish told me once that he was surprised and disappointed when he found out I had a boyfriend, because he thought I should be a nun. I'm pretty sure I don't have the temperament to be a nun (can you just imagine??), but I'd like to think I'd be the kind of nun that most other nuns would directly avoid because I was so conservative that they wouldn't know what to do with me. Sad when that's my vocational ambition, huh? ;)

Runway, Week Two: I Say Potato, You Say Hot Tranny Mess

Dear Heidi Klum: Oy vey. The challenge this week was BURLAP SACKS? Let's forget for a moment that there was a brief foray into high-fashion burlap in the mid-90s and Chanel used the rotten stuff for Paris Fashion Week '09... Just because the saying "She would even look good in a burlap sack" exists does not make it a natural or good choice for the show! Whatever happened to making clothes out of Hershey's wrappers or cornhusks?

Anyway - best to worst, in order, with pictures (again, recommending CoolPreviews for this):

• Jonathan - I literally gasped when this came down the runway. I thought it was gorgeous and stayed true to the whole burlap idea without looking like burlap at all. I would totally buy it. The hair was totally hideous, though, and so is that model.
  
• Janeane - Something about that charcoal & maroon combo just DOES IT for me. Or maybe it's the sweetheart neckline. LOVE.
  
• Amy - She won, and I think that's fair - the construction was totally beautiful and done very well, too.
  
• Jay Nicolas - I think this would have been my favorite look, if the bodice had looked more finished. It ended up looking shredded, like when you walk on the hems of your jeans and they start fraying and you pick at them until they're all separated and stringy.
  
• Anthony - Pretty, but a bit boring. Not a lot of risk involved.
• Ben - Meh. Yawn. Zzzzzzzz... (But he switched models! No longer tied to Asian-inspiration manga model! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? Probably more napping.)
  
• Emilio - Really a terrif silhouette, but the pattern left me a little Tetris-y.
  
• Anna - Using the actual potatoes to make a print for the dress was a great idea, but the whole thing was just a little TOO "Little House on the Prairie" for me.
  
• Jesus - I actually thought his dress was really pretty in the front, although the judges were completely right in saying the back made her ass look lopsided. And I don't see what was so scandalous about using as little burlap as possible in the design. HELLO?
  
• Maya - This isn't something I would wear, but it was clearly made well. So, points.
  
• Seth Aaron - Cute, edgy, blah blah blah. Yawn. Plus, I don't think the skirt was flattering at all. ON A MODEL. Hood was interesting.
  
• Mila - Listen, she clearly has talent, but I just don't get her point of view really. If this is her aesthetic, then I am just not a fan, period. Only models could wear this dress, and whether they SHOULD or not is a whole 'nother blog post.
  
• Pamela - I understand why she was cut - there was a serious case of "Oh my god Becky, look at her butt" - but (ha) at least there was some good technique. Oh well.
  
• Jesse - It just looked sloppy, and made the model look lumpy - and the instructions were to make a DRESS.
  
• Ping - SERIOUSLY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

At least this season is (to borrow a phrase from Randy "Dawg" Jackson) "one hundred billion million percent" better than last season. New York, Newwwwww Yorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk! (Bah bah bah-da-dah.)

Lethargic

What is going on with this WEATHER? Hail in L.A., gloom and doom here... I need sunshine again, stat! I feel like I'm underwater, and my weekend is going to be much too busy to be able to work in my Seasonal Affective Disorder issues.

All I want to do is curl up with a movie and a boy. (Have movie, need boy.)

Inspiration

People look at me funny when I freak out over Adam Lambert / Cheeks / Cassidy. I guess I get it... I'm a total fangirl and it is not acceptable at my age. I find it hard to explain sometimes why they mean so much to me, but I was watching Cheeks' latest podcast (that link is only good for about a week, so go listen!) and Adam's interview with Oprah today as they both independently (!) talked about visualizing their dreams.

 (Cheeks, aka Brad Bell, is "the ex" that Adam is always talking about in interviews, and the one with whom the infamous kissing photos - whee! - were taken. It's so obvious how in sync these two were and how dramatically they affected the other's worldview. Precious and heartbreaking. End of sad story.)

Listening to Adam talking about meeting Madonna (by the way, would it KILL Oprah's team to actually write questions that haven't been asked in 800 other interviews?) and how inspiring she was to him as a performer and as someone who has learned to express herself no matter what others say... THAT'S what Adam & Co mean to me. Cheeks talks a lot about spreading the glitter - in fact, that's almost all he ever tweets about - and being as sparkly and fabulous as possible, and all three of them are daring and take huge risks. Between the three of them and Lady Gaga... I'd call them my ultimate inspiration in life. They are what inspired me to take the plunge from "Living in New York would be totally cool!" into "I AM MOVING TO NEW YORK." I guess I'm just sick of being told how to behave, where to live and work and what my potential is. Maybe I am "only me," but maybe I'm a sparkly little flower just waiting to bloom.

Finally, an excerpt from Godga Gaga's interview with Ellen:

Lady Gaga: The whole point of what I do... I want to create a space for my fans where they can feel free and they can celebrate, because I didn't fit in in high school, and I felt like a freak. So I like to create this atmosphere for my fans where they can feel like they have a "freak in me" to hang out with, and they don't feel alone.

Ellen: So, that's why. So it isn't really for someone to talk about you, it's not for that - it really is to create a space for people.

Lady Gaga: Yeah, well, this is who I really am and it took a long time to be okay with that.

Oops!... I Did It Again.

Not 20 minutes after my last blog post, I was thinking about a guy I had seen around town occasionally and felt I had some sort of spark with, so I decided to look him up on Facebook. And there it is - he's gay. This of course sent me into a minor tailspin, because I feel like I do this ALL THE TIME. Most of the men I'm attracted to (or maybe "drawn to" is a better choice of words, although attraction is also true) these days are gay. Seriously. My friends make fun of me all the time.

So I spent a good deal of time really wracking my brain, trying to figure out why on earth this keeps happening to me. I went through my very obvious "Bad For Me" phase with guys after The Breakup, when I only spent time with guys that would treat me poorly, but that's been a long time. And I've fallen (or re-fallen) in love, and had not-a-big-deal crushes on nice straight guys, so it just didn't make sense.

Then of course I talked to my darling roommate, the psych major. The reason that makes the most sense, I think, is that I am ready to date again but scared to put myself out there (which I already knew) so I am subconsciously "choosing" men who will not reject me on a personal level, because they CAN'T. (Didn't think of that before.)

Great, figured that out. NOW WHAT? Just because I know it's happening doesn't mean I can stop it, because it's entirely subconscious. New York, of course, is full of gay men, but my theory is this: There are tons of men, PERIOD, so at least one attractive straight man has got to go nuts over me, right? :)

Pensive hungover musings

I really hope that someday I can finally become who I want to be. I worry a lot that it's taking too long for me to get started with my career, especially with unemployment dragged out longer than I expected. I'm viewing the move to New York as an opportunity to finally find a job in my field (who the heck has the money to hold events in this podunk state right now?), but I also know that that job is not going to happen right away. Event planning is a career that requires a certain familiarity with the area in which one works, and learning a big city is going to take time. I hear you're not considered a New Yorker until you've spent 7 years there - not that it should take that long to find a job, clearly, but still.

At almost-24, I feel like I should have my life more figured out than I do currently. All I've got right now is a diploma (which means not-much in a recession, as it's turning out), one post-graduation job that ended when the whole company went under, and a fairly good sense of what I do and don't want in a relationship. 3 years ago (HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG??) I was planning to be married and potentially trying for a baby by this point in my life. (Sweet lord jesus, I am so glad that didn't happen.)

I'm not looking for a man at this point in my life, mostly because I'm leaving in just a couple months. My focus is on my working life now, but I really wish there were a way to get the ball rolling faster. What company is going to look at my resume and think, "Wow, she lives 500 miles away and hasn't had a real job since June, let's call HER in!"? Also not helping in the search is the fact that I don't really know WHAT to look for in a first job. Like I said, eventually I want to be in event planning, but in the meantime, I'd rather not be just a secretary/ "administrative assistant" - I want to do something interesting, maybe in the publishing world. Who even knows.

Urgh. Sorry about all the whining and complaining. This is not living boldly. Bleh. Maybe once the hangover is gone I'll feel more optimistic.

Just a couple thoughts, and Project Runway

1. Project Runway!!!!! So excited for this season - they're back in NYC, where they ought to be. (Need I point you to Exhibit A for the prosecution: that the MAYOR OF LOS ANGELES showed up to a challenge last season WEARING FLIP-FLOPS? Didn't think so.)

• Ping is Bat-Shit Crazy. Capital Letters. Not sure how she even got on the show - all she did for her first challenge was throw some fabrics over her model's head, weave MORE fabric into her hair, and teach the poor girl some bizarro "dance moves" to do on the runway. Just... no.
• One of the models, Alison, was shown (on the Models of the Runway show) playing a song on her guitar. It used the word "moondrenched" and it was totally gorgeous. Here's her myspace. The song is called "Dream Dream Dream."
• My favorite designers so far, in order (links are their outfits this week): 
• Emilio - the silhouette was adorable, and I need that fabric, STAT. Also his model was awesome.
  
• Anna - well-made, young, yellow, happy, sunny, cheerful...
• Jay Nicolas -Oh my god that DRESS. I want it! I would wear it EVERYWHERE.
  
• Maya -beautiful fabric (apparently I have a thing for brocade), but it was a little like she memorized Christian Siriano's Runway sketchbook and just copied it. Originality, por favor!
  
• Mila - Fascinating mixing of prints, if not terribly well-made, but mostly I liked her because I'm pretty sure she would hunt me down if I said anything mean about her. Weird sort of "SIEG HEIL!!!" vibe from her that I just can't place.
  
• Janeane - Both outfits she tried this week were pretty awful, but she has a really nice eye for technical detail that I think will work out nicely if she can finish anything on time this season.
• Pamela -pretty in its own way, but she said that it was "youthful" when it was not. I would wear this dress. If I were the Mother of the Bride.
  
• Jonathan - He called his dress "thoughtful." I agree. But I was bored. DON'T BORE NINA!
  
• Anthony - To be honest, I didn't care a bit about his dress (great print, WTF was that pouf on the side?) but he is going to be fun to watch this season.
• The "Had Better Go Home Next Week OR ELSE" list, in order:
• Ping - Again, WTF.
• Seth Aaron - the weirdo, rocker-chick, "Tokyo Chic" or whatever the hell he called it was obnoxious, plus he could very easily be the most annoying male on the show.
• Jesse - the point of a business suit is to look like you're put-together and classy. I guess he didn't get the memo.
• Jesus - A leather evening gown? REALLY?
• Amy - I didn't hate it, per se, but why was there a fabric seashell over her right boob?
  
• Ben - the comic-book thing is going to get old REAL fast.
  

And I would like to go on record and say that I am VERY GLAD that Christiane went home. She had serious promise, and definitely did not have the worst dress of the night, but she was going to be a self-righteous DRAMA QUEEN. ALL CAPS.

2. I am reminded every day of how amazing my life is. I have incredible, supportive, enthusiastic friends that sometimes operate as my personal cheerleading squad. During my freshman year of college, when I would visit my parents back in my hometown, many of my friends would say things like "It's just not as awesome when you're not here!" I was always delighted to hear that, but I secretly hoped that my college friends would say that too. And they do, and I am so lucky.

3. I hate dance clubs. If a bar is usually a bar, and sometimes has a DJ, that's fine, and awesome, and I love that. But dance clubs? No. No no no. Never ever again. (Not in this town, anyway. Willing to give it a shot in New York.)

4. That stupid Jay-Z/Alicia Keys collaboration is really starting to grow on me. He was best on the Linkin Park "Collision Course" album. I really need to steal that from my brother.

Daylight Breaks - Cassidy Haley

So, this is what I've been up to. I've stanned (look it up) Cassidy Haley so hard since Adam Lambert tweeted out his FIRST music video (for "Whiskey In Churches," which is phenomenal), and Cassidy has been turning it out consistently ever since. He's also hugely involved with his fans, doing live video chats about once a week or so. He's coming to Raleigh this April and I will be FIRST in line for tickets.

His new video for "Daylight Breaks" was released about 1-1/2 hours ago, so here you are.

one pierced moment whiter than the rest

So, today was awesome, somehow.

I had a 1:00 appointment at the Genius Bar today, but I got sort of a late start. And by "late start" I mean "I set my alarm for a decent hour, actually got up and showered right-away-ish, but then re-scheduled my appointment for 3:00 and sat around in sweatpants watching The Bachelor for a while." So I finally dragged myself out of the house (don't look at me like that! It is COLD outside!) and made it to the Apple store, where they told me that my iPod - going on 8 years old now, at my best estimation - is pretty much dying. Hard drives are failing, etc. It'll still play music for now, but all my music is trapped on there from when I had my computer wiped a couple months back. 10+ years of music is now mostly gone, so I guess I'll try to build it back somehow.

Anyway. Clearly that was not awesome. But after the Genius Bar debacle, I picked up my wedding-season dress from the tailor (SO PRETTY!!!!!) and, as a treat for only spending $23 on alterations and as consolation prize for my poor iPod, I spur-of-the-moment decided to see a movie.

Walked up to the movie counter and "It's Complicated" was just about to start, and I'd been wanting to see that movie, so in I went, nachos in hand, of course. (Mmm, processed cheese.) ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL. And honestly a really interesting movie too. (Although the idea that Steve Martin could ever be sexy was sort of terrifying.)

Clearly this movie is a bit of a Woman's Ultimate Revenge Fantasy movie - and who won't admit to at one point wishing that their ex would come crawling back begging for a second chance? I certainly do sometimes.

[Side note: Watching movies by myself, much like eating by myself, is something that I am VERY proud of being able to do. I was so ... "un-independent"(?)... for so long that I'm always pleased with myself when I can genuinely have a good time and not spend the entire event, whatever it is, wishing that someone else would be there with me too. This time, I got to laugh as loud as I wanted, when I wanted, and just let go.]

I finished the movie and walked outside to see the most BEAUTIFUL sunset and clear blue night sky over the lit, finally-functional-after-"winter" fountain. So I just plopped right down on a bench and sat there for a while. Have I mentioned lately that I really love being (f)unemployed, and just being able to do whatever I want? I just feel really at peace with the world right now, and really, REALLY happy.



PS: On a completely unrelated note - when I was in 5th or 6th grade, Victoria's Secret came out with scented zodiac pens - each sign had its own fragrance, and I was HOOKED on mine. So I was wandering through Urban Outfitters when I found a fragrance that smells EXACTLY like the VS scent. Didn't buy it, since I'm on a "save for New York" plan, but... I don't know, that's just really exciting.

Daily Humor

Yoko Ono

This is impractical, I think, but a wonderful idea. Around Christmas, Yoko Ono sent out a tweet that was retweeted a LOT
(Twitter doesn't log more than 100 retweets, apparently, which is stupid of them considering they are a major social networking tool and that sort of information could be useful when they decide to start taking advertisers.)
and particularly inspired me.

Try to say nothing negative about anybody for three days, for forty-five days, for three months. See what happens to your life.

Now, I'm not a particularly negative person, but I do have a tendency to complain and gossip. I'm not sure how following this advice would affect my life - either I would become a soft radiant beacon of hope and love... or I would bottle it all up until I exploded into a sarcastic puddle of goo. I'd like to believe the more-Zen option would happen.


Either way, people would think I was a much nicer person. I'd probably get asked if I were on drugs.

Quandary

A little background: I finished college a while back, and I've been sort of hopping between jobs because of this miserable economy. I decided a couple weeks ago that I am (for sure, finally, definitely doing it) moving to New York City this coming summer to make my dreams come true. Life isn't going to hand me my wildest dreams on a platter, so I've got to make it happen myself. Terrifying and exciting at the same time. Now, I'm under no delusions of grandeur here - I know New York is going to be loud and dirty and cramped. So, with that in mind, I have been cleaning out my room - throwing stuff away, donating, and deciding which things to put into storage (read: the closet in my parents' spare bedroom).

Here's where the quandary comes in: When things went sour with The Ex - yes, there is a "The Ex" - I got rid of everything that reminded me of him, except for a small stuffed animal that he gave me at the beginning-ish of our relationship. I couldn't bear to throw it away (or donate it or stab and burn it) so I wrapped it up in a Gap bag and shoved it in the back of my closet. Now: what on EARTH to do with it now? I don't think I could ever throw it away, as it reminds me of the good times when I took it everywhere with me; I can't ever display it, as I'm having a panic attack just thinking of ever touching it again.

Mind you, I'm over him. He's not in my life anymore, I have no idea what he's up to (other than what my friends tell me because they inexplicably think I want to know)... But I have no idea. Maybe I'll just keep it at my parents' house... But part of me wants it close to me always. Maybe I just like to torture myself.

A Fresh Start

So, a new year, a new blog. I had to lock down my old blog due to privacy issues, but I don't think I could really function without an outlet. My old blog had a lot of baggage to it as well, and it's nice to shake that all off and start fresh. This isn't Cookie 2.0 - Cookie 1.0 had themes and rules and labels and restrictions and an audience, and I'm not going to do that this time around.

This is just me, no pretenses and no airs. Maybe I'll say things that offend you, and I don't necessarily mean to (so always ask me for clarification) but my opinions are mine, my life is mine, and it's taken me so long to get to that point that I am never letting it go.

Here's to a new, bold life!

"Those who begin to censor themselves based on a HYPOTHETICAL question of how others will react will soon find themselves in a box." - Cassidy Haley