That You Should Exist In This World

"That you should exist in this world... that I have been able to know both suffering and joy at your hands - seems like an extravagant gift, one for which I am forever and unutterably grateful. I am not sad; I am not lonely. I have found myself capable of love that is unaffected and unassailable by circumstances and I am forever better for it. If there is anything coherent or sane to be taken from this it may be that whatever hurts I have felt are all passing, and cannot outweigh or contaminate the hugeness of my happiness... I have nothing left to fear; I have gone through the worst of it now and you were worth all of it."

The quote above is from a love letter that I found on The Hairpin several months back, and it makes me so upset that someone has stolen my feelings regarding the last 7 years and written them down so much more beautifully than I ever could.

I saw The One two weekends ago, as previously mentioned, and finally, FINALLY, felt the door closing on that part of my life. It wasn't precisely a resolution to get over him (if such a thing could ever be done) but it was clear to me that, in order to move on with my life and be with someone who wants to be with me, I had to do exactly that. Easier said than done, because as often as I felt in his absence that I was making progress, one weekend visit would send me right back to where I started. What was different, you ask? The week before he arrived, I decided that I would send "a sign to the universe," whatever the hell that means (even my hippie roommate rolled her eyes at me), that I was ready to meet someone and fall in love - by not sleeping with The One. This is a Big Deal because I have never EVER turned him down before, or even wanted to. As gears began to click into place in my head and I resolved to shift him into the "friend zone" as best I could, I found it actually happening. I was able to yell at him a little when he kept cancelling and rescheduling our plans, I was able to be open with him about the ridiculous things he does when it comes to women... basically, I was able to be 100% his FRIEND for the first time since October 30, 2005.

It feels like the end of an era, like the last time you shut the door of the apartment you're moving out of and you touch every wall and maybe fingertip-kiss the place where you had your first kiss with your crush or whatever. There is a finality to this chapter closing, I can't go back and read it again. And the chapter is closING - I don't think the last word has been written yet - but it is such a monumental step forward that I feel a lot of hope. I will always love him, because he has never broken my heart, but now it feels like a quiet, back-of-my-heart kind of love, the kind that means I am open to the next big love of my life. Which, in case I haven't told you, is the one I'd like to grow old with, whoever he is. I've been in love 3 times already, I'm ready for my fourth and final.

Moving On

Only a month has passed since my last post, and so much has happened! What a December. Happy New Year!

Things ended, mid-December between me and the guy I'd been seeing since October. It was mutual - we realized that our chemistry was friend-chemistry, not relationship-chemistry. Starting over sucks, but the glass-half-full outlook is that if someone could be SO perfect for me on paper, and the only thing lacking was chemistry, there's a guy out there who was absolutely tailor-made for me. And besides that, he and I are still friends, and it's only minimally awkward, which is awesome.

And of course, in case I hadn't had my daily dose of rejection that evening, I called The One to finally get an answer out of him. I had told him I loved him back in February, and then ignored the subject altogether to avoid the risk of hurting our friendship. But we're pretty much invincible now, closer than we ever have been, so I figured, now or never. And my hunch was correct -- I got the "I love you, but not in THAT way" line, although he did say that he had given it a lot of thought, which was actually comforting. But our friendship is exactly the same, without the giant elephant in the room.

Christmas was a comedy of errors. 2 days before I left for Michigan, our boss (who had originally decreed that we had to be back in the office on Mon 12/26, meaning I had to leave my family at noon on Christmas Day to fly back home) relented and gave us the day off. With such short notice, of course, the small airline that I was flying to and from MI was completely sold out on Monday AND Tuesday morning, so I was discussing options with my mother, when my father - who was staying in Charlotte near my mother (or with her? not sure) said he would pay for a whole new ticket. I started sobbing, crying ugly tears at work.

So, I made it to the family reunion, only to contract a 24-hour flu bug from one of my baby cousins, and then promptly turned around and gave it to 34 out of the 38 people at the reunion. Yay! Puking at Christmas! But the important thing is that I was there. Got back to NYC on Tuesday morning and hopped in a cab, luggage and all, straight to work, and proceeded to have the most ridiculous week of my life. Pre-New-Years-Eve: what a nightmare. Remind me to have a new job by the time holiday-time rolls around this year.

I'm exhausted, and really, REALLY ready for a better 2012. More coming soon(ish) about the awkwardness of seeing my father again...

Wide Awake

I can hardly believe I've been at my current job for more than 3 months now. Sometimes it feels like so long ago, and sometimes it feels like I just started two weeks ago... but one thing I have to be grateful for, among my (relatively short) list of complaints is that I don't get the feeling that anyone despises me or is compiling a list of incidents to report to try to get me fired. Sometimes I worry that I have Job PTSD from my days at CND, especially because it was right around the 3-month mark in Phase 2 at CND - after they moved me from Marketing to Sales - that I realized that my manager hated me and was trying to get me fired. And sort of did. (Although whether I was fired, asked to leave, quit... still up in the air. one of life's great mysteries.)

I still don't feel like I'm home-free, but the longer I'm here, the more money it would cost to fire me and train someone new, and for a business that's as nickel-and-dime as this one is, that's security enough. My 3-month review never really happened, but I'm pretty sure that's largely due to the fact that I have meetings with the higher-ups every two weeks anyway, plus my manager's about to go on maternity leave, so she has other things on her mind.

I haven't been in the events industry, especially not in New York, long enough to know if the sales part of this job is normal -- I feel like marketing is one thing, and sales completely another (having worked in both I consider myself a bit of an expert, obviously) and I signed up for neither of those things, although I'm better with the former than the latter. I love the restaurant industry, but I don't think events + restaurants is the best fit for me. My ultimate goal is to do event planning in the hotel industry anyway... just gotta keep a level head, hope for the best, stick it out at least a year, then find the next step up.

Everything else in my life is amazing, though. AB makes me feel so safe, which I suppose gives my Id pause because it thinks safe = boring... but after everything I've gone through in the last 3.5 years (I've now been more or less single for longer than I was with The Ex... crazy) it feels so good to know I can trust and rely on someone. I'm still hesitant to put a label on it, or even bring up putting a label on it, even though I haven't been seeing anyone else and I'm about 98% sure he hasn't either. Part of me is still hanging onto The One despite finally accepting the fact that he doesn't love me the way I need him to. I know I'll always love him, and so much of me wants to hang on until the next time he comes into town so I can sleep with him one last time... but for the first time in a long time I feel like I've found a genuinely good, respectful man, the likes of which I didn't think existed (especially in this city).

Now watch, he'll have a tiny dick.

These are the things that keep me up at night.

Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

So, the DRAMA from the last post seems to have died down. Said party I was antici-dreading turned out to be really fun after all; DM seemed normal and friendly and like nothing had ever happened. Of course, part of that was probably because I was doing my darndest to interact very infrequently with cute guy. But even after he and I wandered off for a smoke break (DO NOT FRET, by this I mean only that he smoked a tipsy-cig while I ... watched? and we talked, during which he told me a few of the reasons why he liked me) for 15 minutes or something, we were still joking around and hanging out. This is also probably because all parties concerned knew that her "primary boyfriend" or whatever was out of town that weekend so she had cute guy all to herself, and she (correctly/safely) assumed that I wasn't even going to TRY to get tail that night.


So! Now things seem very nice and normal again, and I saw them all again last night. She was feeling ill but very friendly still, even when he and I got into a particularly involved conversation about Futurama/food/etc. Then as I was leaving and hugged him goodbye, I could tell he was trying to get my attention again as I was saying goodbye to everyone else, but I had to leave (y'know, having a job and all, cramping styles, etc) and he didn't follow me out, so I got all the way to the subway platform when I noticed I had missed a call from him. Called him back and he asked me why I had left so early (uhhhhh 11pm?) and that he was going to invite me over.

Canary, the cat is here and it's dinnertime. Add to that the fact that The Sexter has begun sexting again after a 4-month-ish hiatus, and I am feeling rather smug about my boy situation. The One is always there at the back of my mind, but I feel like I'm on some sort of vacation from grown-up responsibilities this summer... between religion and love and other Important Things, I've shoved it all to the side somehow (to my chagrin, a bit) and am just doing what's easy and fun. Not a great long-term philosophy, but I've been responsible and disciplined my whole life and I'm a little bit over it right now.

Party down!

Tiger Mother

So, this isn't the drunk blog that I hinted at on Twitter yesterday; I'm actually at work and therefore not drunk. (Although that hasn't necessarily been a given in the past.) But I was too exhausted last night once I finally got home, so... here you are. I'm actually writing this while on hold with American Airlines, which has extraordinarily pleasant hold music. Like, I would illegally download it and listen to it all the time. But I digress. Some of my friends in NC have had a running joke for some time that my life is a series of Things That Only Happen To Me. This is by far the apex of said stories.

So, I recently (about 3 weeks ago now) met and started spending a lot of time with a group of really awesome people. A college friend moved here recently and had spoken with a couple of them about a sublet (it fell through) and they subsequently invited her to a birthday party. She asked me if I was doing anything that night, I wasn't, so off we went. They ended up being Super Cool and now I'm going out to Queens - about a 45-minute train ride away! - roughly 2 times a week for things like birthdays, trivia, etc. That first night, I hit it off with the birthday boy. Nothing major, but we had an awesome conversation and he's totally my type (floppy brown hair, thick-framed glasses, skinny). Saw him again at trivia night a few days later, and I could tell he was sparkin' on me too. Saw him again the next weekend at a housewarming party, and we ended up going back to his place. Standard girl meets boy story, right?

WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. To fill in a little background... there is a girl in the group who is sort of the elected "den mother," if you will (we'll just call her DM), and she has been dating her bf (DM's BF) for a couple years now. They live together.

To add a little clarification for the next few paragraphs, here's a calendar of recent events in Queens:

Friday May 26 - met everyone
Tuesday May 31 - trivia (mutual sparkage)
Wednesday June 1 - dinner with DM's BF
Friday June 3 - housewarming party, hooked up with cute guy
Wednesday June 8 - beer garden
Saturday June 11 - housewarming party, (everything goes wrong)
Tuesday June 14 - trivia, still oblivious
Wednesday June 15- shit hits the fan
Friday June 17 - today

Interesting

So, before The Ex and I started dating, all those bajillions of years ago (2004 seems like lightyears away now)... I was sort of dating/hooking up with another guy, who I liked but felt was too old (and slutty) for what I was looking for in a boyfriend. So I went with The Ex instead, and he was a little bit hurt - I'll admit that I am largely responsible for the demise of their friendship - and told me that I would eventually regret dating The Ex.

So, I was really, REALLY bored at work today and started reading old blog posts from a blog that started in high school and ended shortly after The Ex and I did... and I found a meme-ish interview thing that I asked friends to complete. There was one commenter that posted some really curious answers but I couldn't place the username, so I investigated a bit and it was that other guy. I'm thinking he may actually have liked me more than I thought he did at the time. Here are the questions and his answers:

Alli and I are the gods of 1 am movie watching.

Alli is a quirky type of cool that grows on you like ivy on a granite wall... and that is, in a word: beautiful. 

Alli isn't a meglomaniac.

Alli makes me feel 'like a nat-ur-al woman' well, sorry everytime i hear the words 'make(s) me feel' i think of that song... it happens, i need therapy. Anywho, Alli makes me feel like my nothing day suddenly seems worthwhile.

One thing that I like about Alli is that mole on the bottom of her chin. For the same reason I had a cindy crawford poster in my room as an adolescent: its kinda cool, kinda sexxxy, kinda there.

If I could change one thing about Alli, I would change her class schedule so we could watch movies and chill at 1 on every nite... atribute wise, I'd prolly have to change her dislike for most of what's considered 'southern'.

Alli should like sports more.

If Alli were a colour, she would be green... i like green, its my favorite colour, and i like alli... so, i guess it kinda works.

If Alli were an animal, she would be bunny rabbit... WITH HUGE FANGS!!!!

If Alli were a candy, she would be a tootsy pop... and not for the erotic reasons (although... j/k) but for the fact that they come in multiple flavors, like alli's randomness and moods (not that she's moody), and they are multifaceted (oooh, thats mark twain deep man).

If Alli were a song, she would be "standing on the verge of gettin' it on" ... if you know, then you know.

I dislike it when Alli says 'i can't, i have class at 11'.

If I could be with Alli right now, I would... um, be with alli? Well, I'd be in Chapel Hill, which i kinda miss even tho i was just there at 6. I miss home :'-( anywho, i'd prolly be happy and just straight chillin'.

If I could give Alli one thing, it would be a southern accent ;-).

Sometimes, when I think of Alli, I think about the way she cuts a slit up the sides of her pants up to her ankles so they can go over the tops of her shoes.

Alli and I have fun. Lots and Lots of fun.

One thing that makes Alli different is her precociousness.

Rutting

It concerns me sometimes how much I fall into habits. I mean, I'm a textbook Taurus, no doubt about it, and therefore prone to ruts and habitual behavior, which explains why I get so comfortable in jobs and relationships that fundamentally don't work. I'm also scared by change with uncertain outcomes - I'm perfectly comfortable re-arranging my furniture every 2 weeks, but don't ask me to put my heart on the line or quit a job with no backup plan.

I'm stepping out onto an invisible bridge again. I hate my job, I hate who I am at work, so May 6 is my last day in this wretched position. I don't know where I'll go (maybe within the same company, maybe I'll start nannying or stage-managing, WHO KNOWS) but I know I'll be happier. Deep breaths.

Also speaking of ruts - there's a guy at work that I've sort of had a low-grade thing for (similar to the guy from this entry; something to tide me over, so to speak, between visits from The One). When he first started working, I was all like "eh, he's way too Ken-Doll for me"... but he's grown on me to the point where I definitely have a little crush. Obviously my first thought was "well, he's an attractive, interesting straight guy in close proximity" and just sort of left it at that. But then a few of us were out for drinks on Friday night, and he started talking about something that he felt passionate about. It hit me like a ton of bricks: the reason I'm attracted to him is because he's EXACTLY LIKE MY EX (except nicer). That fire in his eyes is exactly the fire that The Ex had when he started talking about politics or music or whatever it was that sparked him.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a type, and I totally didn't realize it until now. Sigh.

Recap

So - finally a quiet moment, and I can update.
Life has been really crazy, as you may have been able to tell from the total lack of posts - all I ever seem to do these days is get to work, glue myself to the screen, drag my butt to either rehearsal or happy hour, then collapse in front of the tv for an hour or two before bed.

I'm stage-managing a play for one of my friends - it opens in two days, and it has been a wild ride. I haven't stage-managed since high school, and I always wanted to get back into it, but I was too busy in college. Not that I have time in NYC either, but apparently I like being a little overwhelmed and busy now that I don't have to go to classes and take exams. (Can we talk about how glad I am, even 3 years later, that school is over and done with??) It's a hilarious comedy, almost all of "my" actors are incredibly gorgeous and talented, and I really hope it goes smoothly.

If you're reading this, you probably also know that I went back to my college town this past weekend, for the first time since I left 10 months ago. It was completely phenomenal, getting to see everyone again - my friends make me feel like a rockstar. I finally hooked up with the guy from this entry, so that was nice. WE BEAT DOOK. I felt like an entirely different person on a different planet - just flying by the seat of my pants, not planning a thing, crashing on different couches almost every night, getting drunk for under $15... It was a total break from the breakneck speed I fly at every day in the City. Thank goodness.

No sunny day is without clouds - my (very expensive) flight home was delayed FOUR HOURS on the tarmac because of the weather, so I didn't get back to my apartment until 1am this morning... and while on the tarmac, I got a voicemail from The One that seems a bit ominous - his ex-whatever (not a girlfriend, but she'd be mad if she knew he said that) is moving to his town and he doesn't know where that leaves them... so I had a bit of a stressful night. Gotta have faith that it'll all work out.

In the meantime... I just keep swimming along - looking for a better job, looking for a better life... but I am so blessed.

Up, Down, Left, Right

So I've been totally lazy about updating, because I've been burning the candle at both ends, and also on the sides. Since taking my new position at The Company, my hours have been extended from 10-6 to 9-6 (that would be bare minimum, folks, assuming that something desperately urgent and moderately complicated doesn't land on my desk at 5:55pm like it did on Thursday)... and there must be something in the air, because everyone seems to want to go out and be social after work. I'm completely exhausted at all times. Better than being bored, I guess?

I've recently volunteered to stage-manage a friend's show. I haven't stage-managed since high school and I'm kind of nervous that I'm going to fuck it up, but it's a great hobby/activity to fill my weekends and evenings now that my second job is on brief hiatus. I know I have potential to be a total workaholic, but I feel positively guilty for spending more than one evening in a row on the couch.

Another... ahem... development: the boy situation. The One will be visiting in the very near future, and I'm hoping that "can I crash on your couch?" turns into the same situation that it turned into last time. I'm telling him how I feel this time, mostly because I recently came to the conclusion that there's no chance of my ever getting over him unless he outright rejects me, and he will always be so special in my heart that there's a really great chance that I could fall in love, get married... and then cheat on my poor unsuspecting husband with and because of him. Terrible, right? So I have to tell him. Gulp.

I also have two - well, one kinda - boy situation(s) in the wings. One is the boy I posted about a couple weeks ago... and the other... We text/IM/talk every single day, but I've heard from mutual friends that he lives with his girlfriend. I find it hard to believe that anyone living with their significant other would be able to get away with texting someone first thing in the morning, and into the wee hours of the morning, but what do I know? Plus, he and the first guy are friends, so hooking up with Boy#2 would probably ruin my chances with Boy#1 (but not vice-versa). As much as I like to pontificate about how much I hate drama, blah blah blah, it's been a long time since I've had boy problems, and I have to admit that it makes me a little bit happy.

I will attempt to update more often now that the dust is beginning to settle a bit. Here's hoping, anyway.

Calling Me Out

From today's horoscope:

Your world-famous passion is nothing to sneeze at -- especially now. The heavens are energizing your sign -- your personality and appearance -- and that means you're an irresistible, persuasive magnet at the moment. In short, you'll be absolutely impossible to refuse (even more so than usual, that is, if you can believe it). Don't try to rein it in, not one bit. It's your secret weapon, and it's operating at full capacity now. Still, if you're not interested in someone, don't pretend that you are, not even for a kick. This stuff you're putting out is pretty darned potent. Go easy.

Okay, alright already! Oops.

Coming Up for Air

Whew, y'all, I am exhausted. Between re-orienting myself to normal work hours after the Florida trip, and training for my new job, and catching up with old friends and making new ones at the new job... I barely have time to collapse in front of my TV these days, let alone try to funnel what little creative energy I have left at the end of the day into this blog. But life is very fulfilling (albeit frustrating) these days, so here's what I've been up to.

--New job! I'm still at the big-deal publisher I've been at since late August, but they're collapsing our department and shifting me from digital marketing into digital ad sales. Not at all where I want to be, but it's a job, my employer looks GREAT on a resume, and the people are phenomenal. The bad news? ENDLESS. TRAINING. I am just dead from all the meetings I've been in for the past 2 weeks, most of which are completely repeated and redundant, and there's no end in sight. There are too many of us newbies to train us on computers, seminar-style, so we're learning it all in theory first, then moving onto computers as desks become available. The communication at my company SUCKS big-time, so no one has ANY idea when we're moving, but it's happening slowly. Looks like I'm going to be the last one to move in. Which sucks, because........

--........As you may have noticed from my last post, I have a humongo crush on a guy in my new building. Funny enough, I actually met him at the office holiday party, but (as you may remember) I went home with another guy (Mr HG himself). HG turned out to be a total dud - I put myself out there with him, and I guess ultimately he wasn't interested enough, or was too scared, or who knows, because he never pulled the trigger. His loss. I can totally find someone hotter and more age-appropriate (I mean let's just be honest - 41??). So this new guy, who I will call MPGE for reasons I will not disclose at this time, fits every item on my checklist. Hot, Catholic, thin with a great body, can cook, gentleman... I could go on. Let me tell you, it has been a LONG time since I felt those butterflies in my stomach that I feel around him. I could actually fall in love with this one. I'm going to have to move slowly and carefully, but I really, REALLY want this to move forward. So I'm stamping this one PENDING.

--News on The One: I have (unofficially, pending his mom's approval) been invited as his plus-one to a family party in a month. I haven't seen him in two years. I'm going to tell him how I feel. Why yes, I am on a crash diet, however did you guess?

My calendar has been nuts lately. Picking up extra shifts at my second job, fighting off a wicked cough, happy hours every which way... now I really know what it means to burn the candle at both ends. But good god am I happy, and that's what really matters.

Uh oh

EEEUUUURRRGGGHHHHHHHHH I've got it BAAAAAAAD for my new office crush. He's pretty (yet straight!!!!), a perfect (Southern) gentleman, cooks, cleans, Catholic, loves his mom, really sweet, single... now how to make him mine? *plot plot plot*

Cranky

So this is how I'm feeling right now...

Don't say you don't remember last night 

At the party all your friends were there 

You said you really liked my hair 

You asked me wanna go for a walk 

Where we could find a quite place to talk 

I said 

Well whatcha want to talk about? 

Then you kissed me 

On the mouth 

Do you have a case of amnesia? 

You look the other way 

Every time that I see ya 

Ya actin' like you don't even know my name 

Hey! 

What's your game? 

What you wanna play? 

Why you wanna be that way? 

Like ya have amnesia 

Amnesia 

Hangin out at the mall today 

You saw me there don't even lie 

But you walked right by 

Don't ya remember how you held my hand 

Said you couldn't wait to do it, again 

Then you drove me 

To my house 

And ya kissed me 

On the mouth

Do you have a case of amnesia? 

You look the other way 

Every time that I see ya 

Ya actin' like you don't even know my name 

Hey! 

What's your game? 

What you wanna play? 

Why you wanna be that way? 

Like ya have amnesia 

Amnesia 

If that's the way you feel 

It's really no big deal 

You can do 

What ya wanna do

Paradoxically 

The next time you come for me 

I won't remember no

I won't remember you 

You'll be singin 

Do you have a case of amnesia 

Do you have amnesia? 

I'll have ya singin boy 

I'll have ya singin 

Do you have a kiss of amnesia 

Every time I see ya 

Do you have a case of amnesia? 

You look the other way 

Every time that I see ya 

Ya actin' like you don't even know my name 

Hey! 

What's your game? 

What you wanna play? 

Why you wanna be that way? 

Like ya have amnesia 

Amnesia 

Amnesia

Is it sad that Kesha lyrics sum up my life right now?

As My Brain Stutters to a Halt

I just had the most terrifying thought. While reading a post on my ex's blog (which I keep up with marginally just to see how he's doing - I'm over the anger now and part of me wishes we could be friends again someday), I contemplated creating an untraceable username so I could leave a comment now and again. For one extraordinary millisecond, my brain flashed to "and maybe even attempt to start an anonymous (sham of a) romantic connection, just to see if it would work."

I'm sorry, WHAT NOW? I'm still not sure if it's a cleverly-disguised revenge fantasy, or an overtired brain's musings about whether we COULD ever be compatible again.

The dating life is good right now, though, and I very clearly do not need or want him in my life again, at least not romantically. Should he even still ever cross my mind, 2-1/2 years after our breakup (has it been that long? geez)?

To sum up this post, and my week, I say: BLERG.

Gulp

Welcome to the new and improved Live Boldly, wherein your intrepid author attempts to actually live up to the name of the blog that she named herself!

I asked HG out (sort of) yesterday. It was a cop-out sort of thing, where basically I left it to him to actually do the asking, but I told him that I wanted to spend more time together if that was something he was interested in as well. Kinda lame in the grand scheme of things, but I was shaking like a leaf before I went over to talk to him. I have no idea what his mostly-positive-seeming reaction meant or if it'll go anywhere... but I have never put myself out there like that without knowing for certain that the guy in question felt the same way. So now we'll see how it goes.

Short post today, I'm starting to come down with something maybe (mostly I'm just all congested in the mornings, but still) and I'm working both days this weekend. Blerg. But I booked my plane tickets to Florida on Thursday night, and I am so ready for that warm weather (and swimming with dolphins)!!

Spackle, Shellack, and Glitter

I re-watched the Sex & The City movie for the hundredth time this weekend - saw it was playing on cable and decided it was time to dust it off and pop it in. I'd never actually cried at that movie before this most recent viewing, but when Big jilts her and she attacks him with her flowers... I totally shed a few tears.

Since then I've been thinking really hard about the meaning of family. One of my coworkers has a family that is similarly dysfunctional to mine (or, dysfunctional to my one-year-ago family, not the current state of my family, which is even more dysfunctional) and I'm often the sounding board/de facto therapist for her. So many people I knew growing up had really great families and best-friendy relationships with their moms and they just kind of seemed like Norman Rockwell paintings. Mine was way more Picasso than Rockwell, and at some point I was okay with that. I realize now that it was probably a defense mechanism, but I was glad that my family had some cracks and chips and stains, because it made life more interesting, less cookie-cutter.

Now, though, all I want is a calm, safe, semi-boring life. The guy (Holy Grail, or HG) from Sunday's post reminds me a lot of this guy E, who I had a thing for during my last few months before I moved: very sweet, very safe (the major difference being that HG drinks, and E doesn't - biiiiiiig difference, huh?). It sounds disparaging and lazy, doesn't it? Maybe I'm searching for stability because my life is so unstable right now, or maybe it runs deeper than that and I have more daddy issues than I think I do (great, just what every guy wants to hear!). When I moved up here, I triumphantly put E behind me and resolved never to be "boring" ever again and to live boldly and all that. This resolution did not under any circumstances take into account the turmoil I was going through with my family and job uncertainty.

Now, okay, I've taken some risks since moving here. I did hook up with Almost-Neck-Tattoo Guy, which was fun but now I'm not so sure how proud of myself I am for it. Mostly that's because deep down, I do want a relationship, not just a fling, and I don't want to do anything that would screw up my chances of finding that relationship. HG would be a great partner, I think, but now he's acting all weird around me, which is so annoying. Of course, I have no idea how to have the "so, we hooked up, now what?" conversation, so guess who's SOL?

In an attempt to wrap this up I'm going to circle back around to the beginning of the post and the idea of family. My family lets me down an awful lot, and I let myself down an awful lot, and apparently I am way more of a fuddy-duddy than I make myself out to be. I talk a big game, but I'd rather curl up and watch Real Housewives marathons most nights than go out drinking. But my friends are my life and my family, and I have basically jettisoned the Picasso and am building a Monet around myself: several tiny dots that all add up to a beautiful life.

bum-chicka-wow-wow

So, I realize that "Thankgiving Break" has turned into a two-week hiatus. Surprise surprise, right? Work has been so exhausting, and instead of the weather turning me into a sweatpants-clad hermit as I expected, I've been going out and/or socializing even more than usual. To tell the truth, the only reason I'm blogging right now is because I'm not sleepy but I've been sexiled to my bedroom because my roommate just brought his date home. Which is a really bizarre sentence to write, by the way (for many, many reasons). So now I'm just your everyday, sweatpants-clad hermit. Saturday night!!

Today's topic is: I am continually surprised by the fact that I really do get what I want, guys-wise. With the exception of The One, if I set my mind to snagging a guy, I do it. (And I don't need to remind you, faithful reader[s], that I actually have slept with The One, once, but what I really want there is more, and I'm not really getting it at this point, so we'll just sort of give that instance a half-tallymark.) Maybe it shouldn't surprise me as much as it does, considering that I've been pretty successful in that respect of my love life since at least college began, but I tend to overdramaticize my romantic failures, I suppose.

The office holiday party was this week. Office parties are a rather dangerous thing for me, as it turns out, because give me free alcohol and I tend to go a little wild. I've had a little thing for a guy at work, and managed to turn it into a little sumpin'-sumpin' after the party. I'm proud of myself, honestly, and think that it totally has potential to go somewhere (significant age difference be damned, AHEM PIE I SEE YOU SMIRKING THERE).

Okay so maybe the topic of this post was actually just bragging a little. But I'm proud of myself, as I always am - which sounds horrific and notch-in-my-bedpost-y, which is really not how I mean to come off. But I have felt so awkward and ugly-duckling in my own skin for so long that it continually amazes me a little bit that men really do want me. Now if only I knew how to get them to want me for more than just a fun time. That'd be nice. And this guy might actually be that guy, the Holy Grail of NYC - a genuinely good, nice person, with a good career and no ex-wife or kids. Totally self-conscious about office hookups (the next morning was really hilarious, with him attempting to coach me about what to say/etc, like I'd never had an office hookup before [psssshhh]) but really sweet. Good thing this blog is anonymous. Geez I totally have a crush, don't I? Also is it bad if you sleep with someone before you even go on a proper date? I feel like that's bad if you actually might want to go on a date with that someone? Sigh.

[insert long-winded annoyance/angst with how there's no way I could ever be in a real relationship with someone until I've gotten over The One which may never happen blah blah blah]

I'm so good at dispensing great advice about relationships (ok or anything really) but I have no idea about my own life. Blerg.

Post summary: pat me on the back, s'il vous plait, for being such a cute lil ho-bag.

Guilty & Annoyed

So, I went out with former coworkers last night, and in attendance was my makeout buddy, with whom I (surprise) make out with when we're drunk. He's a sweet guy but no one I could see myself dating (one word: baggage) (another two words: New Jersey), but we get along great and have fun. So, this morning I woke up and was checking facebook and saw that another coworker had posted the following status/tweet:

I assume he's talking about us, considering that most of the people there were in relationships. So I posted this reply: 

God WHY do I always leave early and miss these things??!?!?? 

Which I think is the perfect non-chalant, subtle denial. Because (a) we do not hook up, and (b) ... We do NOT hook up.

Lately I've been starting to feel guilty about the whole thing... I am self-aware enough to know that I'm really only behaving this way because I want the attention without the emotional attachment, but that's such a shitty thing to do. I never want to be accused of "using" someone but that's precisely what I'm doing, and it feels AWFUL. So I need to cut myself off - I just wish there were an easy way to do it without him feeling like it's personal/I'm irrational/whatever, because it's not/I probably am/??.

Stupid Facebook. At least said "other coworker" (the one who posted on Facebook) does NOT name names. I've tried to coax/bully/wheedle names out of him before - especially after the epic company party this summer - to no avail... so I'm hoping for similar zipped-lippedness when it's my personal life.

Also, HAPPY HALF BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEE

Deep Breaths

Sometimes it concerns me that love isn't always fun anymore. I've written a lot - more than I ought, probably - about The One. Lately, though, when we've talked, he's been mentioning a girl that I know looks very similar to his college girlfriend. I don't know if he has a type, precisely, but both girls are kinda quirky, slim, short brunettes. I may be a quirky, short brunette, but I couldn't tell you the last time I could really be considered "slim." I know they're not exclusive (I hate that he tells me about the girls he hooks up with), but she's serious about him -- who WOULDN'T be?? I am! -- and that worries me.

As a result, I've been kinda down about the whole situation. I'm completely terrified of falling in love again to begin with, and I feel more scared about this situation than I've felt in a long time because I've been in love with him for SO long - longer than I've loved anyone before.

So, I'll be seeing him in the next couple months and I've decided that I need to tell him that I have feelings for him. It scares me to death ("Live Boldly," my ass!) but maybe I need to grow up and be an adult and risk something for once. Even if he doesn't reciprocate - an inevitability of sorts - at least I'll never wonder "what if?" and die a million deaths when/if he someday marries someone that isn't me. (I'll only die a thousand deaths maybe.)

I want love to be fun, and light, and easy. I've been so SERIOUS about relationships for so long that I feel like I've forgotten how to loosen up and put myself out there in a way that conveys that while, yes I'll make a good wife someday, MORE IMPORTANTLY FOR NOW I'd make a really kickass girlfriend. I need someone to set me up, maybe - that'll take the terror out of meeting someone and could actually be a hell of a time.

Anyone want to fix me up? :)

An Odd Idea (or Two)

Public transportation gives me an awful lot of time to think in the mornings. I have recently begun to muse on what my Ideal Guy's wardrobe would look like. It's not like I have a ton of room to be picky, but I wouldn't want to date a Suit, and a polo/khakis kind of guy doesn't do it for me either. Which left me in a bit of a void (all the hot guys in the other categories are gay, apparently) until I was face-to-ass ....boy, do I just loooooove those subway stairs.... with a super hot guy in slim dark-wash jeans, a button-down, and a blazer. And quirky socks. Boy do I love quirky socks. So yes. There's my Ideal Guy Wardrobe.

Also, I decided during work today that the next time I see/sleep with The One, I'm telling him that I really do have feelings for him. I mean, I've slept with him, so he's gotta know I'm interested... but he has no clue that I'm totally in love with him. I'm obviously not going to tell him that in so many words, but I really do think that I'd rather him know I have feelings for him than wonder what he might have said if I did tell him.

In other words, I'm going to be a grown-ass woman.