Moving On

Only a month has passed since my last post, and so much has happened! What a December. Happy New Year!

Things ended, mid-December between me and the guy I'd been seeing since October. It was mutual - we realized that our chemistry was friend-chemistry, not relationship-chemistry. Starting over sucks, but the glass-half-full outlook is that if someone could be SO perfect for me on paper, and the only thing lacking was chemistry, there's a guy out there who was absolutely tailor-made for me. And besides that, he and I are still friends, and it's only minimally awkward, which is awesome.

And of course, in case I hadn't had my daily dose of rejection that evening, I called The One to finally get an answer out of him. I had told him I loved him back in February, and then ignored the subject altogether to avoid the risk of hurting our friendship. But we're pretty much invincible now, closer than we ever have been, so I figured, now or never. And my hunch was correct -- I got the "I love you, but not in THAT way" line, although he did say that he had given it a lot of thought, which was actually comforting. But our friendship is exactly the same, without the giant elephant in the room.

Christmas was a comedy of errors. 2 days before I left for Michigan, our boss (who had originally decreed that we had to be back in the office on Mon 12/26, meaning I had to leave my family at noon on Christmas Day to fly back home) relented and gave us the day off. With such short notice, of course, the small airline that I was flying to and from MI was completely sold out on Monday AND Tuesday morning, so I was discussing options with my mother, when my father - who was staying in Charlotte near my mother (or with her? not sure) said he would pay for a whole new ticket. I started sobbing, crying ugly tears at work.

So, I made it to the family reunion, only to contract a 24-hour flu bug from one of my baby cousins, and then promptly turned around and gave it to 34 out of the 38 people at the reunion. Yay! Puking at Christmas! But the important thing is that I was there. Got back to NYC on Tuesday morning and hopped in a cab, luggage and all, straight to work, and proceeded to have the most ridiculous week of my life. Pre-New-Years-Eve: what a nightmare. Remind me to have a new job by the time holiday-time rolls around this year.

I'm exhausted, and really, REALLY ready for a better 2012. More coming soon(ish) about the awkwardness of seeing my father again...

Wide Awake

I can hardly believe I've been at my current job for more than 3 months now. Sometimes it feels like so long ago, and sometimes it feels like I just started two weeks ago... but one thing I have to be grateful for, among my (relatively short) list of complaints is that I don't get the feeling that anyone despises me or is compiling a list of incidents to report to try to get me fired. Sometimes I worry that I have Job PTSD from my days at CND, especially because it was right around the 3-month mark in Phase 2 at CND - after they moved me from Marketing to Sales - that I realized that my manager hated me and was trying to get me fired. And sort of did. (Although whether I was fired, asked to leave, quit... still up in the air. one of life's great mysteries.)

I still don't feel like I'm home-free, but the longer I'm here, the more money it would cost to fire me and train someone new, and for a business that's as nickel-and-dime as this one is, that's security enough. My 3-month review never really happened, but I'm pretty sure that's largely due to the fact that I have meetings with the higher-ups every two weeks anyway, plus my manager's about to go on maternity leave, so she has other things on her mind.

I haven't been in the events industry, especially not in New York, long enough to know if the sales part of this job is normal -- I feel like marketing is one thing, and sales completely another (having worked in both I consider myself a bit of an expert, obviously) and I signed up for neither of those things, although I'm better with the former than the latter. I love the restaurant industry, but I don't think events + restaurants is the best fit for me. My ultimate goal is to do event planning in the hotel industry anyway... just gotta keep a level head, hope for the best, stick it out at least a year, then find the next step up.

Everything else in my life is amazing, though. AB makes me feel so safe, which I suppose gives my Id pause because it thinks safe = boring... but after everything I've gone through in the last 3.5 years (I've now been more or less single for longer than I was with The Ex... crazy) it feels so good to know I can trust and rely on someone. I'm still hesitant to put a label on it, or even bring up putting a label on it, even though I haven't been seeing anyone else and I'm about 98% sure he hasn't either. Part of me is still hanging onto The One despite finally accepting the fact that he doesn't love me the way I need him to. I know I'll always love him, and so much of me wants to hang on until the next time he comes into town so I can sleep with him one last time... but for the first time in a long time I feel like I've found a genuinely good, respectful man, the likes of which I didn't think existed (especially in this city).

Now watch, he'll have a tiny dick.

These are the things that keep me up at night.

It is hot as balls outside today

Ummmm sorry I never update anymore, the only post I want to write is about how much easier my life would be if I were an orphan and I'm pretty sure NO ONE wants to read that.

Still looking for work (but I have a great lead in a new recruiter that I met with this afternoon, who has already set me up to work a red-carpet gig next week!), still working part-time in a box office (I wanted to murder every tourist that came in on Memorial Day weekend)... still hung up on The One, with whom I have not had the Define The Relationship Talk yet (I am working on that). In short: same ol' same ol'.

My NYC crowd is expanding, though - I went with a college friend to a birthday party of a friend of someone she had met on the internet, and the whole group ended up being AWESOME, so I'm planning to spend a lot of time with them from here on out. Downside: they all live in Queens. Oh well. Guess my MetroCard is getting a workout this summer!

I'm not sure when parents began telling their children this myth, but "get good grades = go to a good college = get a good job after graduation" is a dirty damned lie, and I do not appreciate it. I have had a full-time, permanent job with health benefits (the ultimate goal, right?) for a measly 5 months out of the 3 years since I graduated. It shouldn't be this hard, I shouldn't have to hustle like I am right now, collections agencies should not be calling me about my student loans. The jobs race is a "right connection, right place, right time" game of luck and it's getting old really fast. Argh. #rantover

It's yummy in the tummy/Chop chop charoset

So, as it's been two weeks since my last update, you may have surmised that I have been too busy doing fabulous things every night to be arsed with blog posts. You are partially right. I have been busy about 9 of the past 14 nights, and crazed at work 11 out of 14. (And that number is not 14 out of 14 because I deliberately took 3 days off to attempt to restore sanity and see my friends.) So, work is super boring now because I only have 2 weeks left, my duties have been 80% transferred onto my replacements, and my "special projects" role as given to me 2 weeks ago by my manager is currently on hiatus because said manager is on vacation. I have been at work for 3 hours so far and have done approximately one job-related thing. Well, 3, except that 2 of those 3 are not related to the job I have NOW but the marketing job that I "left" in January but am still secretly doing because no one else is doing it. Perhaps I'm mentally ill?

Anyway. So, last weekend was seriously amazing. The One was visiting again (twice in two months?? what is this, the twilight zone??) and while there were no declarations of love from either of us this time around, we spent a lot of quality time with - excuse me but I'm going to say this because it makes me extraordinarily happy - OUR friends and his family. I even got the coveted Pesach dinner invite and trekked out to Long Island on Tuesday night to stuff myself entirely TOO full of brisket/potatoes/haroset/celery dipped in salt water (whch oddly enough is my new favorite thing). I didn't get the chance to bring up the whole "I told you I loved you and now I'm sort of wondering if you might someday have feelings for me too? I just want to know because if not I'd like to start figuring out how to attempt to let go" thing because there just wasn't enough TIME (there never is) but I'm calling him at some point this week between work and rehearsals and. And yes of course I'm a little nervous, but at this point we're so close, and such good friends that I know it will be FINE. And even if what we have now is all I'm going to get (dashboard confessional reference! pass go, collect $200)... I'm happy.

Spring is finally here, also, and of course saying that now means that the groundhog is going to summon another blizzard or something, but it was 70 degrees yesterday, albeit drizzly, and the trees are finally in bloom. My one-year anniversary with the city is coming up SO fast (May 15!!!!????!!!!) and I'm getting a 25th-birthday/anniversary/etc tattoo in commemoration. It'll be a fleur-de-lis on the back of my neck, but as far as a specific design I'm not sure yet - note to self: set up an appointment at a hepatitis-free tattoo parlor, thanks.

But how are y'all? When I'm not either job or at rehearsal I am usually passed out on my couch in front of NCIS reruns, and am a bit less social than I was this winter. For this I apologize profusely, and let's get drinks soon? Or call me soon, if option A is geographically impossible? <3

Rutting

It concerns me sometimes how much I fall into habits. I mean, I'm a textbook Taurus, no doubt about it, and therefore prone to ruts and habitual behavior, which explains why I get so comfortable in jobs and relationships that fundamentally don't work. I'm also scared by change with uncertain outcomes - I'm perfectly comfortable re-arranging my furniture every 2 weeks, but don't ask me to put my heart on the line or quit a job with no backup plan.

I'm stepping out onto an invisible bridge again. I hate my job, I hate who I am at work, so May 6 is my last day in this wretched position. I don't know where I'll go (maybe within the same company, maybe I'll start nannying or stage-managing, WHO KNOWS) but I know I'll be happier. Deep breaths.

Also speaking of ruts - there's a guy at work that I've sort of had a low-grade thing for (similar to the guy from this entry; something to tide me over, so to speak, between visits from The One). When he first started working, I was all like "eh, he's way too Ken-Doll for me"... but he's grown on me to the point where I definitely have a little crush. Obviously my first thought was "well, he's an attractive, interesting straight guy in close proximity" and just sort of left it at that. But then a few of us were out for drinks on Friday night, and he started talking about something that he felt passionate about. It hit me like a ton of bricks: the reason I'm attracted to him is because he's EXACTLY LIKE MY EX (except nicer). That fire in his eyes is exactly the fire that The Ex had when he started talking about politics or music or whatever it was that sparked him.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a type, and I totally didn't realize it until now. Sigh.

Up, Down, Left, Right

So I've been totally lazy about updating, because I've been burning the candle at both ends, and also on the sides. Since taking my new position at The Company, my hours have been extended from 10-6 to 9-6 (that would be bare minimum, folks, assuming that something desperately urgent and moderately complicated doesn't land on my desk at 5:55pm like it did on Thursday)... and there must be something in the air, because everyone seems to want to go out and be social after work. I'm completely exhausted at all times. Better than being bored, I guess?

I've recently volunteered to stage-manage a friend's show. I haven't stage-managed since high school and I'm kind of nervous that I'm going to fuck it up, but it's a great hobby/activity to fill my weekends and evenings now that my second job is on brief hiatus. I know I have potential to be a total workaholic, but I feel positively guilty for spending more than one evening in a row on the couch.

Another... ahem... development: the boy situation. The One will be visiting in the very near future, and I'm hoping that "can I crash on your couch?" turns into the same situation that it turned into last time. I'm telling him how I feel this time, mostly because I recently came to the conclusion that there's no chance of my ever getting over him unless he outright rejects me, and he will always be so special in my heart that there's a really great chance that I could fall in love, get married... and then cheat on my poor unsuspecting husband with and because of him. Terrible, right? So I have to tell him. Gulp.

I also have two - well, one kinda - boy situation(s) in the wings. One is the boy I posted about a couple weeks ago... and the other... We text/IM/talk every single day, but I've heard from mutual friends that he lives with his girlfriend. I find it hard to believe that anyone living with their significant other would be able to get away with texting someone first thing in the morning, and into the wee hours of the morning, but what do I know? Plus, he and the first guy are friends, so hooking up with Boy#2 would probably ruin my chances with Boy#1 (but not vice-versa). As much as I like to pontificate about how much I hate drama, blah blah blah, it's been a long time since I've had boy problems, and I have to admit that it makes me a little bit happy.

I will attempt to update more often now that the dust is beginning to settle a bit. Here's hoping, anyway.

Coming Up for Air

Whew, y'all, I am exhausted. Between re-orienting myself to normal work hours after the Florida trip, and training for my new job, and catching up with old friends and making new ones at the new job... I barely have time to collapse in front of my TV these days, let alone try to funnel what little creative energy I have left at the end of the day into this blog. But life is very fulfilling (albeit frustrating) these days, so here's what I've been up to.

--New job! I'm still at the big-deal publisher I've been at since late August, but they're collapsing our department and shifting me from digital marketing into digital ad sales. Not at all where I want to be, but it's a job, my employer looks GREAT on a resume, and the people are phenomenal. The bad news? ENDLESS. TRAINING. I am just dead from all the meetings I've been in for the past 2 weeks, most of which are completely repeated and redundant, and there's no end in sight. There are too many of us newbies to train us on computers, seminar-style, so we're learning it all in theory first, then moving onto computers as desks become available. The communication at my company SUCKS big-time, so no one has ANY idea when we're moving, but it's happening slowly. Looks like I'm going to be the last one to move in. Which sucks, because........

--........As you may have noticed from my last post, I have a humongo crush on a guy in my new building. Funny enough, I actually met him at the office holiday party, but (as you may remember) I went home with another guy (Mr HG himself). HG turned out to be a total dud - I put myself out there with him, and I guess ultimately he wasn't interested enough, or was too scared, or who knows, because he never pulled the trigger. His loss. I can totally find someone hotter and more age-appropriate (I mean let's just be honest - 41??). So this new guy, who I will call MPGE for reasons I will not disclose at this time, fits every item on my checklist. Hot, Catholic, thin with a great body, can cook, gentleman... I could go on. Let me tell you, it has been a LONG time since I felt those butterflies in my stomach that I feel around him. I could actually fall in love with this one. I'm going to have to move slowly and carefully, but I really, REALLY want this to move forward. So I'm stamping this one PENDING.

--News on The One: I have (unofficially, pending his mom's approval) been invited as his plus-one to a family party in a month. I haven't seen him in two years. I'm going to tell him how I feel. Why yes, I am on a crash diet, however did you guess?

My calendar has been nuts lately. Picking up extra shifts at my second job, fighting off a wicked cough, happy hours every which way... now I really know what it means to burn the candle at both ends. But good god am I happy, and that's what really matters.

This is goodbye, gravity

So, if the blog is a little quiet the next couple days (or if I am very obviously phoning it in), that's because my days at work are getting even longer this week/weekend - in a good way. I'll be working at the 4th Annual Lucky Shops repping the designer t-shirts we've been selling at the office. Swing by if you're one of the few people out there reading this blog who also have money to spend on awesome deals on clothes!

I really feel like I'm settling in, even though I'm still a temp. I don't think many people there really view me as a temp, and I'm taking on more projects as older ones are winding down. I came up with a wicked idea at work today to promote a new contest/sweepstakes that hasn't been gaining speed fast enough, and it was forwarded on to the EIC... I'm really hoping that, even with all the structural changes going on at the Company, they'll find permanent room for me there when the dust settles.

Of course, the risk inherent in doing well at a temp job is that I tend to get settled and stop looking for other work - which means that I get screwed when it eventually and inevitably ends abruptly. That's what I did at my last position, and it really left me in a financial lurch that I'm still getting out of. But maybe, just maybe this time it'll work out. My fingers are getting tired of staying crossed.

Monsoon

So, like I mentioned yesterday, I had a really great post in the works. But then everything sort of came crashing down around me (yeah, I know, again) and I just couldn't concentrate or do anything at all except leave work early and get shitfaced.
Note to self: You are not as young as you used to be. Weekday drinking is not a good idea anymore.

I got in early yesterday, determined to squeeze a couple extra hours into my timesheet and save up for my New Year's trip to Disney World. I was immensely productive for about an hour and a half, until an email came sailing into my inbox that informed us that my division of The Company would be moving out of The Company altogether and into its sister company, effective immediately. Now, nowhere in the press release did it say that Sister Company was actually a sister company, so I spent the rest of the day in a panic because I did not want to leave The Company (or my hot boss). Today's pre-productivity Googling calmed my fears a little bit, and I may not actually have to move out of the office I'm in right now. No one actually knows what's going on* right now, and this of course makes me feel like my job security/future at The Company is circling the drain... but for now I'm okay.

Now, bad things never hit just one at a time. 

A couple hours later, I was checking my personal email accounts when I saw that The Artist Formerly Known As Dad had emailed me. Since The Incident, his few emails have been forwards with no personal message. But, as usual, my heart stuttered to a stop. I opened up the email and it was actually a full-page letter containing an almost-but-no-cigar apology. (I'm uploading it at the bottom of this post.) Several days late, several dollars short. So I forwarded it to my mom, and texted her to call me as soon as she'd read it.

Keep in mind, please, the adage "Good things come in threes." This is true, but very bad things also come in threes.

Mom called me, and was somewhat pleased with the letter - mostly, I imagine, because it was the closest thing that we've gotten so far in the way of an apology - but then proceeded to tell me that MY BROTHER IS IN JAIL FOR HIS SECOND DUI. I mean, say whaaaaaa? So, technically now he's out of jail - his girlfriend's parents bailed him out when Mom wouldn't - but STILL. And he got fired from the movie theater job he's had for 18ish months because they caught him taking a $20 out of the till. Naturally, he has a "good explanation" for that, but come on. So my mom is devastated and pissed over this, and is laying the guilt on me pretty thick, begging me to move back home... Ugh. (As if, though - I'm here to stay.)

So after all that, I knew that the day was over at 3:30. I wasn't going to get any more work done. So I left, went to St. Patrick's Cathedral and cried for a while in front of St. Jude, then headed home by way of the liquor store, wine shop, and grocery store. Drank a tumbler of bourbon, a bottle of champagne, and made both spaghetti & meatballs (first time!) and my famous pumpkin cheesecake (has a weird flavor?) ... So the evening was okaaaaaay, I suppose, because I wasn't thinking about all the shit going on in my life.

I'm so tired of life being hard. I see so many people who have beautiful, charmed lives, clearly blessed by God and in possession of very few major worries. Then there's our family. And yeah, my life is great and beautiful in comparison to a lot of people and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But then awful shit happens, generally all at once, and I start to wonder what I'm doing to warrant such violent moodswings.

So that's what's going on in my life. I hope you're all having better weeks than me.


*This is no way to run a business, in my opinion. If you're going to issue a press release to the general public, make sure you have all the answers before you release that statement, so your panicked employees don't start freaking the fuck out because you haven't finalized all the details yet. I mean, HELLO??




LetterToAllison-JonathanReSeparation-Oct2010

walking/stumbling/on these shadowfeet

Argh/blargh, I've been neglecting the blog again. Between hustling like CRAZY at work, friends in town, getting sick, and an unexpected, impromptu trip back home for a friend's wedding, I have been over-exhausted and under-inspired. It's not like I'll lie and say that I was "too busy" - being broke means spending a LOT of time at home on the couch - but work has taken a lot out of me and sometimes it's all I can do to lift the remote and zone out with Jersey Shore and mindless internet games.

I missed the 5-month anniversary of moving here too (this time only by one day, though, hooray!) but now that I'm entering my 6th month in NYC, life is finally starting to turn around. I have a lot more job security even though I'm still technically a temp, and I even begged for and subsequently received a substantial raise. So now I can actually make rent on time every month! And maybe even have money for food AND winter boots! *spirit fingers*

I'm still not really sure who's reading this with any regularity, so I'm not certain what to write about... Work has basically been my entire life lately. They even asked me to help out at what amounts to their food festival, both at the front door/VIP list and as a brand representative - so I got to meet a lot of (famous) people and interact a lot and basically be on the front lines of an event, which is exactly why I moved here. Plus I was invited by my boss to my very first Fancy New York Cocktail Party (tm) and basically felt very glamorous until my wicked hangover at work the next morning.

I feel like I'm finally starting to come out of this deep slump I've been in for years. Losing my job in NC is where it all started - I feel so depressed when I'm not doing anything in my life, and now it's all starting to turn around. I actually was somewhat productive yesterday, which is basically a Saturday miracle. So, yay me! Maybe this means I'll start feeling inspired to write more often... but I'd love to know who's reading. Drop me a note in the comments box if you are.. and maybe what you'd like to hear about? I'm assuming that if you read this blog, you already know me personally (and therefore read shorter updates on Facebook)... so what landed you here?

Coupla things:

1. I just got my second mosquito bite since moving here. Quite an accomplishment, really, considering the bite-ridden hell I lived through every summer in NC. Except now that I'm here in NYC, I panic every time I feel itchy because I'm convinced that I'm going to have a bedbug infestation and go broke and die.
   
2. OMG OMG OMG I HAVE AN INTERVIEW AT ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS/IMPORTANT MAGAZINE COMPANIES IN THE WORLD!!!! Just checked my email and found out :D  Also I'm surprised at the turnaround time - I only applied two weeks ago!
   
3. I have finally indulged my vanity and have installed SiteMeter at the bottom of the blog so I can see how many people view my blog every day. Yes, I'm vain and insecure, but I'm okay with that. I just wanted to give you the heads-up - if you've been stalking me, I will know about it (and stalk you right back! I love followers) :)

This Path Ever Winding

I know it's been a long time since I posted, but really nothing's been happening. As in, NOTHING nothing. I haven't worked steadily in about 3 weeks now, have been temping sporadically here and there, and have subsequently come down with a terrific case of insomnia (but only on the nights before I do have a gig). Basically, I'm pretty miserable. It wasn't supposed to be this hard to find a job, but it looks like I'm in a place where I'm going to have to start waiting tables, which I really did want to avoid until I found a full-time job - at least that way I would have had a set schedule to give the restaurant. So it looks like I'll be going out on Tuesday (after my mom, who is visiting this weekend) and foraying back into the world of food service. I don't mind so much, I'd rather wait tables than leave New York, but... meh.

The only other development besides my unhealthy Netflix addiction is a realization I had today (hence the blog post): I'm really great at relationships, really bad at getting into them. Maybe this isn't so much of a new revelation, I suppose I've known this for a while, but being here really highlights that. When I get into MOODS, I like to fantasize about The Ex coming up to me and telling me what a huge mistake he made, how he's so sorry, etc... and I would tell him that he lost the best thing that was ever going to happen to him, and flounce away dramatically looking skinny and hair-swingy. I make a great girlfriend: I love to cook, I'm totally organized, and I might even do your laundry from time to time... but I can't really tell guys that on the first date. It's not a pitch meeting, it's a date. And on dates, I get all nervous and laugh awkwardly or word-vomit or something, and it doesn't go past a date or two. Of course, I haven't met anyone here that I'd want to date more than once or twice (obvious exception being the Office Crush from my two-month gig)... but it's the principle of the thing.

I got to a weird place a month or so ago, when I scribbled down in my Moleskine the following tidbit:

"I'm not ready for a relationship because no guy deserves to hear me say 'You're great, but you're not HIM' and nothing seems to indicate that that statement will change any time soon."

"HIM," of course, being The One (That Got Away?). My life is kind of on hold for this guy, without my even wanting it to be, and even knowing that there's no WAY that he feels the same way about me. But I've never felt this intensely for this long about one person... I met him, what, 6 years ago?, and it's like the world got bumped one degree off its axis. Everything changed, and it's never going back to the way it used to be. I don't like to admit it, but I'm a total romantic, and this unrequited love is straight Jane Austen bullshit, and I'm a little sick of it, but i'm going to doodle "Mr & Mrs The One and their lovely children [yes I have names picked out]" in my Moleskine until my fingers fall off.

Not to get all New Agey/"The Secret" on you, but...

I'll tell you - you put it out there, and the universe really answers. All that whining yesterday helped me visualize what I really wanted... And today I emailed my recruiter - if you are moving to NYC, by the way, and need a temp job, you MUST use Atrium Staffing... they are incredible - to remind her that I'm leaving my current office and need a new placement ASAP. She emailed me back just an hour or two later with the following note:

I am working on a job at [MAJOR publishing company]. It’s a project based assignment assisting with social media and strategic marketing. It would last about a month but potentially could turn into something permanent. The pay would be around 14an hour. Let me know if you are interested and I will submit your resume. Thanks

That is EXACTLY what I am interested in!
Please keep your fingers crossed for me - I really want this one.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make myself a vision board. Husband, here I come!! (OMG KIDDING)

Starting Over

Well, every temp's worst nightmare came true for me today.

I had a meeting with my supervisor two weeks ago where she gave me some constructive criticism (basically a performance review), and I've spent the last two weeks working really diligently to improve. Things like keeping my cool when 18 people are hounding me about room reservations, and going with the flow (think Class 5 whitewater rapids, not a pleasant happy lil' stream). I honestly think I've done a really good job and learned a valuable lesson that will help me out in my next job. So she made an appointment for us to meet today, and I figured it was probably to talk about my performance again. The thought did cross my mind, though, that maybe listening to music at the front desk wasn't kosher, or someone saw me roll my eyes, and maybe I could possibly be let go.

So I go into the meeting, and it's closer to the second option: they have been trying to restructure the operations department, and they finally decided that what they need is an office manager, and one who can pull double duty and sit at the front desk as well. So, essentially, my job has just become redundant. Now, in my position as a "contractor," she had every right (and was probably supposed) to say "Pack up your things and go today," but she felt bad about the whole situation and told me I could stay a week. When I asked her to clarify (a week from Wednesday? Or next Friday?) she told me she was planning on next Wednesday but was willing to extend it to Friday... which in my opinion makes more sense anyway.

So, that's basically my silver lining. That, and the horrified/sympathetic looks I'm getting, which mean that people have really come to like me in the month and a half that I've been at the company. Always appreciated.

The one benefit of having a boring, virtually taskless job is that now I can spend my day applying for jobs, instead of refreshing the NYMag.com website a hundred times a day. I think I applied for 25 jobs today, all over the spectrum from publishing to events-coordinating. I interviewed last week for a wonderful non-profit job that, unfortunately, is REALLY far away (think Coney Island-ish; I live downtown Manhattan)... but I'll take it if it's right.

So, today was really hard, and added to my theory that Wednesdays are THE worst days at this particular front desk. Starting over isn't easy, but I've been pretty into fresh starts these days. Just another chance to reinvent and refocus.

(I'm also sort of hoping that my plight will lead to a fun hookup at tomorrow's off-campus office party, but shhhhhhh.) ;)

wtf.

Despite the fact that I have the icon right in the middle of my Chrome quick-launch bookmark bar (which is not well-described at all, I know, sorry), I still manage to forget about this thing. I've figured out how to do scheduled posts, so maybe one night when I'm not getting hammered on a rooftop (last night) or running ALL OVER MIDTOWN ALL DAY LONG looking for a vuvuzela or a cute pair of black flats or a cute purple top to match the boots I bought a few weeks ago (tonight), I'll sit down and hack a few out for the future. Kind of like making & freezing 5 casseroles the week you leave for a business trip so your husband won't feed the kids pizza and cheerios every night. Except no kids or husband, just you poor starving fans of the blog. Who never leave comments.


Anyway. Not much has reeeeeeally happened, except I have a wicked crush on this guy at work, but he's dating a girl that a few people in the office know or are roommates with, so I can't get all homewrecker. Not that I would. But maybe it would be REALLY bad if I did. But he's really cute and I totally smile when I see him, which is nice because I'm chronically undercaffeinated and he seems to help. Not that I'm convinced he knows my name yet, but whatever.

Um. No, that's pretty much it. I went to Baltimore this past weekend (where wonderful pictures like this one were taken) and was just NOT ready to



AND HOLY CRAP I JUST WENT TO FACEBOOK TO GANK A PICTURE AND MY GRANDMOTHER IS ENGAGED. THAT IS ALL.



leave the city yet... It's really starting to feel like home and I adore it.
Picture in question:

Hoof-sore

Oooooh I am tired. I left my apartment at 9am, walked ALL the way to Central Park (about 40 street blocks and 7 avenue blocks... I don't want to think about how many miles that adds up to), spent two hours there, and subway'd it back. On my list of things to do this summer is lose some SERIOUS weight by virtue of taking the subway as little as possible and walking everywhere instead, but if I'm exhausted by 1pm this might not be a good strategy. Maybe it just takes getting used to.

Interview with Staffing Agency #2 is in a couple hours. I hope they can find me something, even though (unlike S.A.#1) they are only a temp/temp-to-hire agency. Even temping would be an improvement over unemployment, obviously. And I've heard really good things about this agency, whereas I felt a little brushed-off at the first place.

My best friend in the whooooooole wiiiiiiiiiide wooooooooorld is moving to Brooklyn today, which fills me with all kinds of squee. I've missed her a lot, and getting lunch/drinks tomorrow will be AMAZING. Also I'm getting drinks tonight with a friend from undergrad who just finished grad school up here. Busy couple of days ahead of me... Hopefully next week will be the week that I find the job of my dreams (or at least the one that will get me there). Screw you, Mercury-still-climbing-out-of-retrograde, I'm going to MAKE the universe work for me! ;)

Word vomit

So, the interview with the staffing agency went well - I'm "on call" for a possible for-real interview tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then supposedly Wednesday. In the meantime, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing... The real world kinda sucks. Aren't you supposed to just be handed a job? I feel like I'm doing things wrong, or rather that I WOULD do something wrong, if I put myself out there and just walked into an office somewhere and asked for a job. Blergh.

So far life is amazing, though. But it's supposed to rain tomorrow AND Wednesday, so we'll see how much I love New York when it's raining. After my interview today I stopped by St Patrick's Cathedral (only about 10 blocks from where I was interviewing, so I figured I may as well) and happened to get there about an hour before daily Mass, so I wandered around until that started. Lit a candle (St Jude, for my "lost cause" of not totally crashing and burning up here), that sort of thing. I love being able to just DO these things, it's completely amazing. I still feel like I'm on vacation. Part of me hopes that never changes.

And then I got to Skype with three of my best friends back home - we used to watch 24 together every week, and so we watched it together tonight too. Amazing. I really despise Skype and telephone calls and that sort of thing, but sometimes I guess you just have to grin and bear it. Another friend and I fiiiiiiinally were able to stop playing phone tag after about a week, so that was lovely. It's so great to hear from old friends. I don't feel lonely just yet, but I imagine that might kick in soon. Being in a big city is wonderful, but a bit alienating. I know I'm as alone as I choose to be, plus The Best Friend is getting here on Thursday (*FLAIL*), but seeing a familiar face or hearing a familiar voice has become more special and dear to me lately.

If you're reading this blog, it's probably because I know & trust & love you well enough to give you the URL, so you are one of those people aforementioned. Give me a call. Post a comment. I love you and miss you. <3

Pensive hungover musings

I really hope that someday I can finally become who I want to be. I worry a lot that it's taking too long for me to get started with my career, especially with unemployment dragged out longer than I expected. I'm viewing the move to New York as an opportunity to finally find a job in my field (who the heck has the money to hold events in this podunk state right now?), but I also know that that job is not going to happen right away. Event planning is a career that requires a certain familiarity with the area in which one works, and learning a big city is going to take time. I hear you're not considered a New Yorker until you've spent 7 years there - not that it should take that long to find a job, clearly, but still.

At almost-24, I feel like I should have my life more figured out than I do currently. All I've got right now is a diploma (which means not-much in a recession, as it's turning out), one post-graduation job that ended when the whole company went under, and a fairly good sense of what I do and don't want in a relationship. 3 years ago (HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG??) I was planning to be married and potentially trying for a baby by this point in my life. (Sweet lord jesus, I am so glad that didn't happen.)

I'm not looking for a man at this point in my life, mostly because I'm leaving in just a couple months. My focus is on my working life now, but I really wish there were a way to get the ball rolling faster. What company is going to look at my resume and think, "Wow, she lives 500 miles away and hasn't had a real job since June, let's call HER in!"? Also not helping in the search is the fact that I don't really know WHAT to look for in a first job. Like I said, eventually I want to be in event planning, but in the meantime, I'd rather not be just a secretary/ "administrative assistant" - I want to do something interesting, maybe in the publishing world. Who even knows.

Urgh. Sorry about all the whining and complaining. This is not living boldly. Bleh. Maybe once the hangover is gone I'll feel more optimistic.