Fractured

Imagine being a ten-year-old girl. (That should come fairly easily for roughly 50% of the population.)

Now imagine going to the doctor for an exam, maybe to get sign-off approval for another season of gymnastics or softball, or maybe because you ran into an injury while practicing or competing, but at any rate it's time to see a doctor.

You're lying back on the table, and all of a sudden the fingers of a man you just met are inside of you - ungloved, devoid of lube - and it's the first time you've ever been touched there and it hurts.

This can't be right. Whatever the reasons that led you to lying on this table in this moment, they doesn't feel related to what's happening to you right now.

But.

But he's a doctor. But your mom is in the room with you during this procedure. Surely she can see what he's doing, surely she knows what's supposed to happen in these exams. (How were you to know that the doctor deliberately blocked your mother's view with his body or a sheet?) So the problem is you. You're overreacting, something your parents tell you that you do all the time. And you were raised to be polite (you're a girl, after all) and to listen to your elders and to know that doctors will always take care of you and make you better.

Now, more than just your body is fractured.

Coming Around?

"[The good] doesn't cancel out the years of trauma and neglect. But neither does the bad cancel out those final moments of grace. Both are true. I hold both in my heart, and I am grateful... I got to love my father -- some."

-Heather Sellers, Do Not Adjust Your Screen or Sound

Out of Practice

This is a total Generation-Y problem, I realize that at the outset, but it appears that I have forgotten how to be just-friends with a guy, or (more importantly) be able to differentiate between a guy that wants to be just-friends and a guy that wants to hook up with me.

In high school and college, I was an expert at being platonic friends with guys. Granted, I was a bit of an ugly duckling in high school, and dated the same guy for literally 90% of my time in college (I just did the math because YOLO), so the safety net was always in place... but I have always considered myself at least a little bit "one of the guys," you know, generally preferring their company, having lots of friends that maybe yeah I occasionally wondered "what if we HAD dated?" but mostly being happy as a clam that we are platonic. But since moving to the Big Apple and having to start my list of friends almost from scratch, I have not had any male friends that I would consider actual FRIENDS (as opposed to acquaintances) without a fundamental distrust of their motivations.

Maybe I'm just jaded, or slightly slutty, or (at worst) conceited, but lately I've felt like I'm taking crazy pills and even my guy-friends with girlfriends are testing the waters with me. I know that my past history with my group of friends would probably prove that true if I looked closely enough, but the issue is that I DON'T WANT THAT. I don't want to hook up with someone else's boyfriend! I want my own relationship, and now that I've successfully sent out my smoke signals to the universe, it seems to be working. I went out on a really, really amazing date last weekend (before the weather gods started thinking they lived on Hoth and not Earth), and maybe the guy is not exactly what I want for A Serious Long-Term Relationship but it was great to feel those positive feelings again - that's what I want. I want to be able to say things like "ugh, this weather is terrible, my lips are SO chapped!" without having to worry that he's now focusing on my lips which he can't because he has a girlfriend but I can't tell if this is a date or not.

Is 26 the age when I have to say goodbye to having happily-platonic friendships?

That You Should Exist In This World

"That you should exist in this world... that I have been able to know both suffering and joy at your hands - seems like an extravagant gift, one for which I am forever and unutterably grateful. I am not sad; I am not lonely. I have found myself capable of love that is unaffected and unassailable by circumstances and I am forever better for it. If there is anything coherent or sane to be taken from this it may be that whatever hurts I have felt are all passing, and cannot outweigh or contaminate the hugeness of my happiness... I have nothing left to fear; I have gone through the worst of it now and you were worth all of it."

The quote above is from a love letter that I found on The Hairpin several months back, and it makes me so upset that someone has stolen my feelings regarding the last 7 years and written them down so much more beautifully than I ever could.

I saw The One two weekends ago, as previously mentioned, and finally, FINALLY, felt the door closing on that part of my life. It wasn't precisely a resolution to get over him (if such a thing could ever be done) but it was clear to me that, in order to move on with my life and be with someone who wants to be with me, I had to do exactly that. Easier said than done, because as often as I felt in his absence that I was making progress, one weekend visit would send me right back to where I started. What was different, you ask? The week before he arrived, I decided that I would send "a sign to the universe," whatever the hell that means (even my hippie roommate rolled her eyes at me), that I was ready to meet someone and fall in love - by not sleeping with The One. This is a Big Deal because I have never EVER turned him down before, or even wanted to. As gears began to click into place in my head and I resolved to shift him into the "friend zone" as best I could, I found it actually happening. I was able to yell at him a little when he kept cancelling and rescheduling our plans, I was able to be open with him about the ridiculous things he does when it comes to women... basically, I was able to be 100% his FRIEND for the first time since October 30, 2005.

It feels like the end of an era, like the last time you shut the door of the apartment you're moving out of and you touch every wall and maybe fingertip-kiss the place where you had your first kiss with your crush or whatever. There is a finality to this chapter closing, I can't go back and read it again. And the chapter is closING - I don't think the last word has been written yet - but it is such a monumental step forward that I feel a lot of hope. I will always love him, because he has never broken my heart, but now it feels like a quiet, back-of-my-heart kind of love, the kind that means I am open to the next big love of my life. Which, in case I haven't told you, is the one I'd like to grow old with, whoever he is. I've been in love 3 times already, I'm ready for my fourth and final.

Maybe Nobody Loved You When You Were Young

So, I saw Gangster Squad last night with a bunch of my friends. Heretofore I have attempted to disengage with the gun-control issue that's been so hot since July, mostly because I have not wanted to spend my mental energy on political issues (this is part of my total disengagement with the political process), but after the movie and the anguish I was surprised to find myself experiencing after the Sandy Hook tragedy, I found myself looking at gun laws in a slightly new light.

Growing up, guns were a part of my household - my father owned a couple, I suppose, but they were under lock and key 100% of the time and I still have no idea where they were stored in any of the 3 houses we lived in over the years. Like, if you held a gun to my head and asked me where the guns were, I would have zero clues what kinds of guns we had, much less where to even start looking. I just knew that my father had guns for protection and maybe to go hunting once in a while, and that he had them locked up safely. He was a member of the NRA. One of my uncles goes on hunting safaris in Africa. Guns were an unseen, mostly comforting part of my life. This, I think, is the correct way to have guns in one's household - including families that go hunting. (We were more of a fishing family, although my father did allegedly go hunting occasionally.)

But beyond that, the question of what KIND of guns one should be able to own was a question that I never really gave thought to, because I am a strong believer in the innate goodness of the human race (despite all evidence to the contrary) and believed that eligible gun owners should be able to exercise their legal freedoms to the best of their abilities. Also, "If guns are outlawed, then only outlaws will have guns" - this is something that I still believe.

Watching the film, though, it occurred to me that there is literally no reason for anyone to own a machine gun or any other "automatic" firearm (defined by Wikipedia as "a firearm that will continue to fire so long as the trigger is pressed and there is ammunition in the magazine"). Why would anyone need one? Why are these guns what we have adapted from military-only usage, instead of way more useful stuff like Silent Velcro and hover cars? The military has developed so much technology to which civilians have zero access - or even knowledge of, in some cases - yet somehow we have walked away with weapons of mass destruction.

I would normally NEVER say something as lefty and commie as this, but after watching the movie, I now believe that all automatic firearms should be turned in, confiscated, otherwise removed from private ownership. Of course there will be evil people who will not give up their guns, but at some point their guns will wear down and there will be no shop owners willing to repair them, at some point they will be arrested and their guns removed from their possession, at some point maybe 100 years from now we will be at a point where we are back to the state that the Founding Fathers (I know, I know, groan) imagined where guns are used for protection and crazy inventions that make a firearm even more dangerous than it already is will no longer be part of the public consciousness.

I realize I am presuming on the goodness of people and willingness to comply with Big Government and this is an unrealistic thing to ask of suspicious rednecks. However, I am not entirely sure WHAT, if not the massacre of 9-year-olds (which, yes, I know has nothing to do with automatic firearms and has everything to do with an unstable young man's unfettered access to "regular" guns), it is going to take to make people realize that what we are doing now is not working.

(On a related note, this article from the New York Times was a great read on how a parent can talk to other parents about the presence of guns in their and their children's lives. "When my boys swim at a friend’s pool, I always ask if adults will be supervising, and I remind my sons about the rules of the pool. Why should firearms be any different?")

Relaunch

Relaunch

So, I seem to have abandoned this blog for long enough that no one will read a new post! I think I was so overwhelmed by how low I was sinking with regards to my job and living situation that I finally burned out - something had to go, and it was my blog.

Flash-forward 12 months and I am happier than I could ever hope to be. I was fired from the worst job of my life, busted my ass and did a couple possibly-illegal things until I landed a part-time, temporary job that has turned into a career-relaunching, permanent, full-time job. I have been at the job for just shy of 10 months now and I still occasionally get misty-eyed (at work!) over how much I love it there. I am, surprisingly, in finance as a corporate conference planner - exactly the work I wanted to do in an industry that I had always gone to lengths to avoid. Go figure. The people are amazing, the work is challenging, and there has not been one day that I woke up and wished I hadn't (except for hangover mornings! oops).

I have also moved to Astoria - little surprise there - to bring down my rent costs, be closer to my friends, and (luckily) live with someone I enjoy spending time with. I wasn't necessarily looking for a best friend when I went apartment-hunting, but D and I got along so well even in our first meeting that I turned down a larger apartment with a hot British musician for a roommate. This is clearly saying something.

Love life (or lack thereof) is the one part of my life that hasn't really changed, but I had a revelation in a cab the other day that this was going to be the year I fell in love again. Don't know why, but I have never had this kind of revelation before and I am optimistic. I am putting a sign of faith, so to speak, out to the universe and am NOT going to hook up with The One when he is in town this weekend. 2013 is going to be my year.

I don't know how often I'll blog, but I wanted to put something positive up after what was such a difficult 2 years. I've opened a new chapter and I wanted to share it with... all 2 of you. ;)

Can't Wait Until April

Been up all night
Staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind

I've been this way
With so many before
But this feels like the first time

You want the sunrise
To go back to bed
I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say I think
I should write down
I don't want to forget
Come daylight

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you

Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say i think
I should write down
I don't want to forget
Come daylight

And no need to worry
That's wastin' time
And no need to wonder
What's been on my mind
It's you
It's you

-Josh Radin & Schuyler Fisk, "Paperweight"

Moving On

Only a month has passed since my last post, and so much has happened! What a December. Happy New Year!

Things ended, mid-December between me and the guy I'd been seeing since October. It was mutual - we realized that our chemistry was friend-chemistry, not relationship-chemistry. Starting over sucks, but the glass-half-full outlook is that if someone could be SO perfect for me on paper, and the only thing lacking was chemistry, there's a guy out there who was absolutely tailor-made for me. And besides that, he and I are still friends, and it's only minimally awkward, which is awesome.

And of course, in case I hadn't had my daily dose of rejection that evening, I called The One to finally get an answer out of him. I had told him I loved him back in February, and then ignored the subject altogether to avoid the risk of hurting our friendship. But we're pretty much invincible now, closer than we ever have been, so I figured, now or never. And my hunch was correct -- I got the "I love you, but not in THAT way" line, although he did say that he had given it a lot of thought, which was actually comforting. But our friendship is exactly the same, without the giant elephant in the room.

Christmas was a comedy of errors. 2 days before I left for Michigan, our boss (who had originally decreed that we had to be back in the office on Mon 12/26, meaning I had to leave my family at noon on Christmas Day to fly back home) relented and gave us the day off. With such short notice, of course, the small airline that I was flying to and from MI was completely sold out on Monday AND Tuesday morning, so I was discussing options with my mother, when my father - who was staying in Charlotte near my mother (or with her? not sure) said he would pay for a whole new ticket. I started sobbing, crying ugly tears at work.

So, I made it to the family reunion, only to contract a 24-hour flu bug from one of my baby cousins, and then promptly turned around and gave it to 34 out of the 38 people at the reunion. Yay! Puking at Christmas! But the important thing is that I was there. Got back to NYC on Tuesday morning and hopped in a cab, luggage and all, straight to work, and proceeded to have the most ridiculous week of my life. Pre-New-Years-Eve: what a nightmare. Remind me to have a new job by the time holiday-time rolls around this year.

I'm exhausted, and really, REALLY ready for a better 2012. More coming soon(ish) about the awkwardness of seeing my father again...

Hard to Let Go

I was just thinking
That I have been missing you for way too long
There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead
But I was just thinking, merely thinking

I've got loads of pictures
I've got the one of you in that dancing dress
But man I feel silly in that dim light
Just after doing you by the sight of My Kodak delights
I am sinking, merely sinking

I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
I'm a singer without a song
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
But I, I was just thinking, merely thinking
But this boat is sinking

I'm tired of postcards, especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids
I'm tired of calling you, missing you, dreaming I've slept with you
Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you
Inside this weary head I just want us to love instead
But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking

I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
And time is running me still
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
But I, I was just thinking
I said that I, I was just thinking

That I'm tired of calling you once a week
And thinking of long distance rates instead of kissing you
Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking

Wide Awake

I can hardly believe I've been at my current job for more than 3 months now. Sometimes it feels like so long ago, and sometimes it feels like I just started two weeks ago... but one thing I have to be grateful for, among my (relatively short) list of complaints is that I don't get the feeling that anyone despises me or is compiling a list of incidents to report to try to get me fired. Sometimes I worry that I have Job PTSD from my days at CND, especially because it was right around the 3-month mark in Phase 2 at CND - after they moved me from Marketing to Sales - that I realized that my manager hated me and was trying to get me fired. And sort of did. (Although whether I was fired, asked to leave, quit... still up in the air. one of life's great mysteries.)

I still don't feel like I'm home-free, but the longer I'm here, the more money it would cost to fire me and train someone new, and for a business that's as nickel-and-dime as this one is, that's security enough. My 3-month review never really happened, but I'm pretty sure that's largely due to the fact that I have meetings with the higher-ups every two weeks anyway, plus my manager's about to go on maternity leave, so she has other things on her mind.

I haven't been in the events industry, especially not in New York, long enough to know if the sales part of this job is normal -- I feel like marketing is one thing, and sales completely another (having worked in both I consider myself a bit of an expert, obviously) and I signed up for neither of those things, although I'm better with the former than the latter. I love the restaurant industry, but I don't think events + restaurants is the best fit for me. My ultimate goal is to do event planning in the hotel industry anyway... just gotta keep a level head, hope for the best, stick it out at least a year, then find the next step up.

Everything else in my life is amazing, though. AB makes me feel so safe, which I suppose gives my Id pause because it thinks safe = boring... but after everything I've gone through in the last 3.5 years (I've now been more or less single for longer than I was with The Ex... crazy) it feels so good to know I can trust and rely on someone. I'm still hesitant to put a label on it, or even bring up putting a label on it, even though I haven't been seeing anyone else and I'm about 98% sure he hasn't either. Part of me is still hanging onto The One despite finally accepting the fact that he doesn't love me the way I need him to. I know I'll always love him, and so much of me wants to hang on until the next time he comes into town so I can sleep with him one last time... but for the first time in a long time I feel like I've found a genuinely good, respectful man, the likes of which I didn't think existed (especially in this city).

Now watch, he'll have a tiny dick.

These are the things that keep me up at night.